I remember being ten years old when I first heard about The Conjuring. One of my friend’s older sister’s other friend snuck into the R-rated film, and lived to tell the tale of the scariest movie she had ever seen; The film is now a horror classic in most sane people’s catalogues, and hardly any horror films have been able to beat it since its release in 2013. 

 

I can now behold to you, ten years later, that the newest instalment in The Conjuring franchise is unoriginal, boring, and could possibly be one of the worst films I ever did see- but somehow still manages to create an absolute ball of a time. 

 

The Nun II is exactly what it sounds like; the second film about some wack-ass Nun, who’s only Nun-like qualities are the costume she wears and her bland personality. Seriously, the only thing this demon does is open her far too wide mouth and shoot lasers out of her eyes, which I can see my sister do any time I want for free. 

 

The main cast includes (but is not limited to) Susan from Narnia, the hairbrush that ended racism, girl from The Hate U Give, and The Conjuring’s main star Vera Farmiga…’s younger sister. I can’t help but feel this was a case of nepotism, like, they have almost no relation within the franchise but could be twins irl? The acting from this lineup isn’t bad per say, but when an oversized goat man is chasing you through an old monastery, when can it be good? But some people are kind of into that, so no judgement. 

 

I just want to plant my feet into the writers room, whenever the fateful day was that all the executives green lit this film. I imagine it went something like 

 

‘So there’s this demon Nun who’s back for revenge, even though they killed her in the first one, and now they’re at this school for girls at an old Nun house place thing, and there’s also Satan as a goat who’s gonna chase them, but there’s also several side plots that are introduced that we never come back to, like a small Nun doubting her faith, and a really hot caretaker and Susan from Narnia forming a love triangle with her daughter’. 

 

Because that’s EXACTLY how I think it went.

 

On a serious note, the directing in this bitch isn’t bad at all. It’s rather decent actually, with less emphasis on bad jumpscares and more on tension- with what lies in the shadows rather than what’s about to jump out at you. Once one gives into the complete absurdity of the concept and cash grab that is this film, it’s actually really enjoyable. And besides, who doesn’t love a film where all you have to do is watch it, with no overthinking required? In the end, it isn’t awfully hard to do so.

 

5.5/10