My boyfriend is lovely but his best friend is a real dickhead. He talks about women like they aren’t human, (“the one with the big boobs”) he gets petulant when he can’t ‘pull’ some girl to sleep with him (whining about how ‘bitchy’ girls in Hamilton are), encourages my guy to cheat on me and he hasn’t bothered to learn my name (even though I’ve been with my guy for nearly a year). Whenever he’s around I get really tense and by the time he leaves I’m a wreck, wondering if my man talks about me like that when I’m not around. I’ve tried to talk to my guy about it but he’s fobbed me off. I don’t want to cause problems in my relationship, but I’ve had enough of this bullshit. What do I do?
I am Someone
Dear I am Someone,
What a charming fellow. I’m assuming this nutless pissant has some sort of redeeming feature, otherwise your man wouldn’t want to hang out with him. Then again, the pull of the brotherhood is strong, and completely fucking illogical. But regardless of how awesome you are, and how douchey this guy is, I’m telling you right now- you will not win this fight. Your guy has chosen this poor excuse for a man as his family, therefore no matter how much you hate him, you have to love the dickhead too.
That doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself though. If he says something that offends you, call him on it. I really fucking hate it when people accept the misogynistic bullshit that goes on around them because they don’t want to be seen as a ‘bitch’. If pointing out your flaming asshattery makes me a bitch, then I’m more than happy to be one. Who knows? Maybe if enough people start pulling guys on bullshit behaviour, things will change.
Most boys don’t even realise they’re being disrespectful when they reduce women to body parts. (Sad, but true.) So the first time you hit your guy’s mate up, pretend he’s your slightly annoying younger brother and try to do it nicely. Maybe something like. “Oh dude, really? I love you, but when you say stuff like that I want to nut punch you.” When he asks why, point out that describing a woman purely by the size of her breasts reduces her entire personality to how desirable she does or does not look, and why that’s problematic. Point out that you’re a human being too, as are all women, and that learning their names- and yours- might be a solid start to not being a fucknuckle.
If he persists (and they often do) decide which battles you want to pick, and pick them, hard. If it’s the way he talks about women, start referring to him as ‘the one with the lazy eye’, or ‘the one whose balls are painted on’ or my personal favourite- ‘the one with the saggy old man tits’ both to your partner, and to the shit head’s face. If your man has a problem with that, tell him you have a problem with his acceptance of the way his mate disrespects you. Because there is no excuse for this waste of space to not know your name at this point. Whenever he arrives at your house, introduce yourself. “Hi ‘the one with the saggy old man tits’, my name is Jane.” Remind the pissant every time you see him until he gets it.
You’re going to walk a fine line here- you need to make your point without harping on about it. It’s much easier if you don’t accept any of this sort of shit from the outset- but you need to communicate to your man that the way his BFFL treats you hurts you- especially because the slimy bugger is probably going to be in your lives forever. Be as calm as you can about it. Explain to your man that when his mate talks about women like that, it makes you wonder if that’s how he feels about women too, and why that’s not cool. Explain that it’s not much of a leap from disrespecting your gender, to disrespecting you personally, and that when his mate behaves like that, it makes you wonder if he talks about you in a similar way when you’re not around. And darling- have you ever heard of the saying ‘birds of a feather flock together’? There’s every chance that your guy plays shit up when you’re not around, because let’s face it, couples bitch about each other to their friends. But there’s a difference between having a good natured whinge and being a cock. Make sure he’s aware of the difference. (As a general rule, describing your significant other as a ‘bitch’, a ‘nag’, a ‘ball and chain’ or in any other derogatory manner makes you a cock. Complain about the behaviour, not the human.)
I know it’s a hard line to walk, but don’t feel like you have to put up with this wanker’s bullshit. Try and call him on it without upsetting your guy, and communicate with him about the way it makes you feel when his mate is around.
At the end of the day, you’re the one in his bed. He wouldn’t put up with anyone else treating you like shit, so ask him why he puts up with his mate doing it. And if you need me to come nut punch this asshat, Aunty Slut is at your service.