Look, sex is great and all, but have you ever considered that you don’t have to win at it?

University is a great time to get a few shags in the bag, experiment with different types of people, or swallow cum and try to convince your friends it’s not that bad (it wasn’t a compelling argument, but bless them for trying). And you should, honestly, because you deserve love and happiness in life, in whatever… unique way it has to happen.

But what that doesn’t give you a right to do is to make others feel like shit in that journey. Look, some of you are first years, out of your parent’s basements for the first time, and TERRIFYINGLY horny. Don’t have sex in the Halls’ bathrooms. Everyone knows about it. Including your RA’s. No-one appreciates it.

Horny is fine, but it just means we can develop a self-centred view of sex. We start to think of it as something only we get something out of, something we have to convince someone else to participate in, and because of that we tend to talk about it like… well, like only we were a part of it. I’m not gonna mansplain the objectification of women, but let’s not pretend like chicks don’t talk about Tinder hook-ups as just “needing some dick” and how “he was fucking hot so that’s all that mattered”.

‘Cause here’s the shocking difference between sex and masturbation: someone else is there that also wants to have sex! Holy shit, no way, right?! They CHOSE to be THERE with YOU, because you got their CONSENT and now you are both getting SEX! Fuck yeah! Be grateful! Be flattered! AND BE NICE! Tell them it made you happy, tell them you enjoyed it, and do it after your post-nut clarity with a sincere voice. Because genuinely, one of the worst feelings in the world is thinking your intimacy meant less to the other person than there’s did to you. It’s just a one-night stand, but sexual desires are still quite precious parts of ourselves. So I dunno, don’t treat them like they don’t have feelings outside of a sex drive. At least remember their name, nod to them if you see them around campus, and strike up a chat if you end up at the same party. If you were friendly in their cunt, you can be friendly, cunt.

So yeah, that’s my advice for one-night stands: Make sure they feel like a human. And get consent. Consent is just as important. ASK FOR CONSENT. ALL GENDERS. ALL OF YOU.