Darts Prodigy Discovered At The Don

Wake up, babe. Hamilton’s newest star athlete just dropped.

Waikato University student Ruby Tocker has been advised to surrender her dream of becoming a historian in favour of another pursuit: professional dart-throwing.

This suggestion came from a talent scout who saw Tocker triumph in a casual match last Thursday.

“It was actually my day off”, the scout commented. “I was enjoying a beer at The Don, my local pub, when I saw Tocker playing across the room. Her posture, technique, and release immediately stood out.”

The game was a friendly match between The Don’s staff and Nexus, the student magazine in which Tocker’s a current employee. The round of 250 was initially slow. Both teams struggled to put a dent in their starting score and hopelessness filled the air. Team Nexus soon found their footing and executed some impossible throws, including a bull’s eye from Tocker. The game was suddenly neck and neck. Thus, following a bust from The Don, Tocker needed a score of 15 to win the match. In a nail-biting conclusion, she threw a 2 and then hit a clean 13, securing the win for Nexus.

The scout claimed he knew Tocker had it instantly. “Ruby Tocker is the best player in darts history and she hasn’t even competed yet”, he asserted. “I have big plans for her career.”

Cara Strachan, Tocker’s teammate, was thrilled by her promotion to the pros.

“I knew she had something special. While this is my first time throwing with Ruby, I can tell her talent is limitless. I cannot wait to see her blossom.”

Tocker has always seen darts as a chill pastime. From playing in the garage with her family to a drunken round in the pub: it’s never been in her future until now.

Thus, from Hamilton student to professional athlete, follow us as we follow Tocker’s shooting stardom.

The Lebron glaze has reached a brand new level, we’re now making literal worship music of him. This shit is basically a cult and holy shit is it peak. Glorious lyrics of parodies of songs like man in the mirror becoming shit like “Im talking bout the man on the lakers, LEBRON!” can bring a tear from even the most nonchalant NBA wannabe. Lebron glaze has genuinely fucking skyrockted till he made his own teammate and hit the ripe age of 40 and I dont know if it can go any further than this.

For context some people made a whole fucking app for Lebron called Bronify. It started with just the parodies and making a lebron version of spotify. NOW IT HAS SHIT LIKE LEREELS. TikTok and Insta reels that is only of Lebron. What the actual fuck.

My theory the Lebron we know is actually the space jam version and the real decaying, ancient, withered, version of him, is like big brother, a shadow leader to his glaze, bringing them all into a future cult. Lebron is the dictator all have strived to be. His plans stem so far into the future none of us can predict his next move, for he is one step ahead. Leworldleader will be his name, and bronny his heir. He will lead the world into an age of basketball. His name feared on and off the court. Ledonalds, LeburgerKING, LeTacobell. All will be named after him. Worshiped like a god, honoured like a god. Lebron will reign supreme with an iron basketball. All children will be taught his history like the gospel, and forced to become a mirage of the great king himself. The goat. Imagine glistening basketballs of diamond, a face so perfect it could be your sunshine, a temple, nay, a landmark of a king. #FuckMJ

The Bronifcation of Music

IS THIS A SPORT?

Is E-Sports a Sport?

Given the name, you’d think they are. E-sports generally refers to any competitive event in which a group of players put their prowess in a particular video game to the test. The… ‘sport’ entails rapid and close communication between players, known as callouts, as well as knowledge of the mechanics of the game engine. This is like most team sports. But unlike most sports, all those callouts can be undone by someone with a $15 Russian cheat engine magnetizing their cursor onto you. Messi doesn’t have aimbot, this isn’t Blue Lock.

VERDICT: Not a sport.

SPORTS CRUSH OF THE WEEK

Lucy Bronze

Lucy Bronze not only is a heart throb in the football world but is a highly rated player; being the highest ranked right back for women. She’s become a title winner and award-winning player with the career to show for it.

Recently, Bronze has made headlines for revealing her autism diagnosis. She shared how these neurodivergent traits have positively impacted her career. She is one of the first high profile female footballers to open up with her neurodivergence and is breaking down the stigma around autism in females.