Why Do I Do This?​

This morning I got up at 5am to watch the greatest football team in the world Manchester United. They lost, one nil to football’s perennial ugly-step-sister Tottenham Hotspurs. ‘Spurs are the definition of always a bridesmaid but consistently in the conversation for the top four. “My beloved United on the other hand, are a behemoth, globally dominant in revenue generation and crowd sizes with a storied history of trophies and tragedy.

Those new to football would be forgiven for thinking that this loss is a sisemic one that will have real life consequences for both clubs. In truth it meant that Spurs move a place above us to the top half, of the bottom half of the table. A not at all relevant battle for 13th.

There are of course a number of reasons for it. The financial fairyplay system implemented. Growth in TV revenue evening the playing field; a leveraged buyout of my club by American’s who think Freddy Adu was great. Any number of these things could have contributory-negligence associated to our current league position.

I am sure with the right time my therapist will unpack why that is so important to me that I can’t maintain a real relationship with a woman. But for now I want to celebrate it. In a world where all of my favourite sports teams have suddenly found themselves passable (The Celtics, The Rangers, The Panthers. The Red Sox) I still have something that I truly love in the world. Not because it brings me joy, or because I remember the good times but because I wake up each day with the renewed hope that the manager will fix it. That I will ride that wave one last time. And then, as if kismet we lose to fucking Spurs. I love sports.

At the start of February the Dallas Mavericks traded their 25-year-old franchise star Luka Doncic to the Los Angeles Lakers in a move that seemed a bit fucking mental at the time and remains puzzling to even the sweatiest r/nba moderators. Mavericks management cited Doncic’s suspect conditioning as a big reason for moving on, because a doughy European has never led a team to a championship.

In exchange they acquired Anthony Davis, a dynamic two-way big who’s on-court health is also pretty flimsy, just ask his left abductor. Davis with a full health bar perhaps raises the Mavericks basement, but no Doncic doesn’t just lower their ceiling, it caves it in and drops big chunks of plaster and asbestos on their fanbase.

As we all continue to process probably the biggest trade in league history, let’s take a look at some of the potential timelines weaved into the NBA multiverse tapestry flowing out of Adam Silver’s butthole.

Doncic is Good:
Doncic sees LeBron’s work ethic up close and gets abs, becomes the best player in the world, leads the Lakers to multiple championships in the late 2020s alongside brother-brother duo Bronny and Bryce James and still winges heaps on no calls.

Doncic is Bad:
Mavericks General Manager Nico Harrison was right and Doncic blows both achillies out like a pair of birthday cake candles getting off the toilet. Unfortunately Davis suffers a similar career-ending injury getting up out of one of those camping chairs with the mesh cup holders.

Davis is Good:
The stars align and the Mavericks win the 2025 NBA championship with a possessed Anthony Davis and a B+ Kyrie Irving who hits another iconic Game 7 shot in front of an electric half empty American Airlines Centre.

Wembanyama is Good:
Area 51 dominates the league for the next decade led by French alien Victor Wembanyama and sky assassin Stephon Castle, relegating the trade to an irrelevant side note. Nut punching grub Chris Paul retires a season short of their historic run.

Lakers: Dynasty or Desperation

IS THIS A SPORT?

COMPETITIVE SLAPPING?

On the face of it (note the pun) competitive slapping has all the hallmarks of a sport. Two adults take turns slapping each other until one can no longer continue. Sure in some parts of the world but add in some bath salts and it is a slow Wednesday at the Uni Rec weights room.

NEXUS VERDICT – NOT A SPORT

SPORTS CRUSH OF THE WEEK

SAM KERR

This week the queen of women’s football was taken to court for charges against her regarding an altercation with a police officer. Sam Kerr was accused of racially aggravated harassment toward a white cop and the verdict is not guilty. The striker for Chelsea and captain of the Australian Matildas continues to be unstoppable. Though Kerr is out with an ACL injury, Chelsea maintaining their winning streak for the 24/25 WSL season compliments her hustle and the world of football is happy once again.