We’ve all been there. You walk into a flat party, only to realise there’s a horde of business students gathered around a dude trying to mix some shitty DnB on second-hand decks. That’s the point at which I turn around and find somewhere else to drink. Here’s a list to refer to when deciding to stay or turn away.

GREEN FLAGS

The music – A mix of niche underground artists and shit you know is ideal.

Hot people – Someone to flirt with. If there isn’t some level of sexual tension within the party something is missing.

Too many political conversations – I love to discuss the socioeconomic state of the world… But chill out a bit maybe.

People smoking outside – Someone to bum a cigarette off is essential.

Drugs and shit, just not fucking meth – I’d expect any decent party to have drugs going around, just not fucking meth.

Variety of people – A mix of friends and strangers add levels to the party. Who knows where this could go, strangers are unpredictable.

A larrrrge supply of alcohol – Bring your own, but also, no one will notice if a few beers go missing from the fridge.

Sober someone – It’s always smart to have someone sober who can sort shit out.

RED FLAGS

Too many engineers – Fuck engineers, stop trying to convince everyone you aren’t a nerd.

Too nice a flat – The shittier the flat, the cooler the party.

Guns, knifes, etc – Get out. This is not the U.S..

Baby oil – P. Diddy. Need I say more?

Short sleeve button up/jorts combo – It’s the hive mind of basic dudes’ default outfit. I’m just mad it looks half decent.

That’s it, the not so all-inclusive guide of what to look for, and what to avoid. For the most part it boils down to whether it feels right. Trust your gut, go meet some new people, and make some sick memories in a stranger’s house.