So, you’re new to flatting? Well, here’s an archetype guide no-one asked for.

NIHILISM

Nihilism won't pay rent cos "nothing matters". Or clean. Or tidy. Or speak to you. Or reply in the flat chat. Or attend flat meetings. Or exist beyond the occasional groan echoed around the dystopian hallways they've half-imagined in their head and half brought to fruition with their self-destructive and isolating lifestyle. Weakness: their parents visiting.

MARXISM

Marxism will join a tenancy union and won't pay rent because private property is a capitalist construct. After attempting to abolish the feudalism that is the rental market of Aotearoa and failing to dethrone the despot who is your landlord, as a prison abolitionist, the Marxist will use their court summons as toilet paper. Weakness: reality.

DISTRIBUTISM

Distributism will pour your wine bottle into evenly filled glasses for everyone. It's great when it's their cigarette packet, worse when it's yours. If you have a printer, it's time to widen ownership of productive assets pal, that's our printer. Weakness: when there's only one cigarette left. You bet the distributist is counting puffs.

PRIMITIVISM

Primitivism won't wear clothes, will probably turn your garden into a communal food project for half of Hamilton, and have sex way too loud. Don't drink their tea unless your set and setting are sorted. Weakness: societal norms.

ANARCHISM WILL INTENTIONALLY LEAVE THE STOVE ON

Weakness: bond money.

FASCISM

This guy undoubtably stands up and yells at the flat meeting (maybe even spits on you a little?) and has a chore routine with strict and enforced consequences. He may have even packed some social humiliation into the missed-chore consequences and fuck really, a gendered division of household labour!? Structures, rules, and punishments are his best friend. Weakness: perceived chaos of any form; loud noise, empties in the toilet, your pansexual friend, etc.

ECOLOGISM

Won't let you cook eggs in their pan. Weakness: their natural hair colour.

NEOLIBERALISM

As long as you're still paying their dad's rent, Neoliberalism is happy. Just don't ask if dad's paying income tax on the rent. And don't go in their room, some weird libertarian shit's going down. "Free markets am I right?", No Kevin that's a torture chatroom, please delete Tor. Even when Fascism is yelling slurs at Ecologism, Anarchism starts making Molotov cocktails in the kitchen, and Primitivism's orgy enters the lounge, Neoliberalism's headphones are too loud. Or they're doing coke on a yacht. Weakness: once Anarchism forgive Marxism for Lenin having shot them all, the Nihilist starts not caring so much that they care about not caring, and Ecologism, Primitivism, and Distributism put the bong down, everyone agrees to move out because Neoliberalism's dad raises rent too much.