Living in close quarters with other people is a strange experience; you have the personality of a grandma, party animal, sensible soccer mum, and toddler all in the same building. All of them are the same age, yet it might as well be living with the most opposite personalities you could think of.

You’ll have the toddler up at a grotesque hour, the soccer mum peacefully making coffee as the sun blooms, the grandma emerging for a cup of tea, and the party animal arising only when the day is almost over. And I swear, sometimes you can go days without seeing one of them. Occasionally leaving the house in the morning ends up in a mission of trying to get the party animal up off the front steps where they fell asleep at God knows how early in the morning.

Earlier this week we had this problem of running out of milk far too often. And yes, coffee was very popular in our house so it wasn’t much of a surprise, but it was the sheer rate that had me stunned. I swore that every day I was picking up a new two litre bottle because no one else seemed to notice our problem. Surely no one was actually chugging cups of the stuff on the daily. It was really frustrating me.

So when I replaced the milk yet AGAIN, I decided enough was enough. I set up a motion detection camera, and I waited it out.

It went off at two in the morning, summoning me out of my slumber (grumpily, I was not a person to be woken up). Birds nest hair all in my eyes, I trudged down to the kitchen, which was empty. My culprit had already moved off, but I could hear rustling down the hallway where the soccer mum and toddler roommates had their bedrooms. Insistent on resolving this, I strode down to the door where the sound was coming from and abruptly shoved it open.

And that’s how I found out my soccer mum roommate was secretly filming kinky videos for a guy who just seemed to really like milk.