Aries: You will receive a complex and cryptic email from studylink this week. Begin gathering a group to decipher it.
Taurus: Do not give in to the temptation of watching Heated Rivalry. If you’ve already seen it, don’t watch it again.
Gemini: You will spend all of your McDonald’s points while hungover or drunk from O week. Prepare mentally for this.
Cancer: Did you lock your car? I don’t think you locked your car. Go check. An unlocked car is not safe on Silverdale Road.
Aquarius: You do not need another bottle of Jack Daniel’s for the week. One should absolutely be enough.
Leo: That single box of mini Monsters is not going to make up for having 15 hours of sleep total this week. Buy more.
Virgo: The Hinge doomscroll must end. How many times have you skipped past the same person? Exactly.
Libra: You have forgotten to cancel a subscription you don’t want, and they are charging your card $41.90 as we speak.
Scorpio: You’re an annoying little sibling. Go apologise to your elders for this and they may treat you with a freddo frog.
Sagittarius: Stop pretending you’re “brat”; we’re well aware you don’t know what happened between Lorde and Charli xcx
Capricorn: You will discover how to yearn this week. Send me an email for a great playlist to maximise the experience.
Pisces: Because you have spent all your money at the club, you will begin pouring out your savings to Chicken Wicken.
