Aries- Instead of being a fire sign, try putting the “air” in Aries and fucking relax (and play golf with a Taurus).
Taurus- I see a new friend in your future. It’s very important that you become completely codependent and play golf every weekend. What, who said that?
Gemini- You’ll feel the urge to forgive all the people who haven’t actually wronged you that bad; it’s important you give into that urge. It’s gonna make all parties involved feel better.
Cancer- You don’t need another pair of shoes. Or another. Or another. Donate to charity or something instead.
Leo- Try going to bed before 3am this week. You’ll realise that when everyone tells you that more than 5 hours of sleep is good for you, they’re telling the truth.
Virgo- Oh no, you’ve committed to too much and now you’re stressed! Get over it. You did this to yourself.
Libra- Doomscrolling for an hour and writing one sentence of your essay doesn’t mean you deserve a break. Seriously, for once in your life lock the fuck in.
Scorpio- Invest in a planner. It might make you more tolerable. It’s not your flatmates fault you’re stressed out because “Uni just started and I already have 5 assignments.”
Sagittarius- Instead of rage baiting everyone around you, try treating people with kindness. You’ll find you make friends a lot easier, and God knows you need more friends.
Capricorn- Try losing your virginity, you’ll feel looser. Literally.
Aquarius- Try therapy. Or journaling. Or a juice cleanse. Or Tinder. Who knows? Just fucking try something.
Pisces- Stop it. Please, just stop. Also, try yoga; I hear it’s good for your muscles.
