Hannibal Fucks up the Romans

The year is 218 BC, into our story walks Hannibal Lecter. He’s a one-eyed Carthaginian General (from modern day Tunisa, north Africa) who’s got his mind set on invading Rome. The issue is, Hannibal has no navy, (long story, they previously got fucked by Rome, and they aren’t allowed a navy due to treaty terms), so his only way into Italy is over the Pyrenees (big ass mountain range). So, he sets off with 60,000 infantry and cavalry, and get this, 38 fucking war elephants. They march around and up through Spain and France, eventually getting to the Pyrenees. He takes his men and elephants up and over, safely navigating snowstorms and alpine conditions, all the while leading 60,000 men and 38 war elephants (37 of which die). 

This leads us to The Battle of Cannae. Hannibal’s men were arranged in a sweeping convex U shape, with the bottom curved part facing the romans. When the romans engaged, the middle section broke and retreated. The romans were too enthusiastic and rushed forward into the space the retreat left behind, only to realise too late that suddenly there were well trained soldiers on 3 of their sides. Just before this happened, Hannibal’s cavalry were bearing down on the roman cavalry, when every roman horseman dismounted. Every dude just got off his horse. They all got absolutely slaughtered, after which Hannibal’s cavalry swung around and smashed into the rear of the roman army, leaving the romans trapped, each solider just waiting his turn to be killed. Over the course of this battle, over 70,000 romans were slaughtered. That’s over half of Hamilton getting butchered in the course of a few hours. One report of the aftermath states: “Others were discovered, still alive, but lying there with their knees or hamstrings sliced apart, baring their necks or throats and begging their enemies to drain the rest of their blood. Some were even found with their heads buried in the ground, having … simply smothered themselves to death. The most spectacular sight of all was a Numidian soldier, still alive but lying beneath a dead Roman, with his nose and ears torn to shreds. The Roman had fought to his final breath, and when his hands could no longer hold his weapon, his anger turned to madness, and he died tearing his enemy to pieces with his teeth…