What’s the deal with WW1?

Alright so there’s this loser called Gavrilo Princip. He’s got nothing going for him, He’s poor, he’s scrawny, an outcast, and friendless, He’s an Incel. He’s been muddled up with a Serbian secret society “The Black Hand.” (such a fucking over the top name “ooooh look at us were so mysterious and cool” shut up, be fucking fr) These guys are obsessed with the idea of greater Yugoslavia ( a united southern Slavic state), hate the Austria-Hungarian empire (Olden days German empire (kinda)), and reckon that killing the Archduke Franz Ferdinand is the way to threaten the imperial power. So, who’s this Archduke fellow? He is the Hier to the Austrian throne. The Black hand believes he’s Pro-war, and think he needs to be ‘offed’ to prevent an invasion of Serbia. In reality, he’s the one guy who DOESN’T want war, so that’s funny, I guess.  

So, Ferdinand is visiting Sarajevo, he’s there to do some speeches and whatnot, and he’s got a big parade lined up. The Black Hand get this guy Princip and 5 others to assassinate Ferdinand while he’s there. 1 of them gets cold feet along the way, 3 of them are paralysed by fear, and then as Ferdinand is driving past during the parade, one of them throws a bomb. The bomb bounces off the car and explodes in the crowd. The dude freaks out, takes a cyanide pill, and jumps into a canal. But the cyanide was expired, so it just burnt the shit out of his throat, and the canal was only ankle deep, so he just got grabbed by the cops and got the shit beat out of him by the crowd.  

Ferdinand survived the bombing and went off to his speeches and shit. During this time, Princip had been moping about at a Deli on the corner, wallowing in sorrow about being a piece of shit and failing to complete the mission. On the way back from the townhall, there was a miscommunication, and they took a wrong turn, promptly stalled the car. In a moment of divine comedic timing, guess who just happens to be right there?? Yep, that’s right, our favourite failed assassin, Gavrilo Princip. He stepped up, fired two shots at point blank range, and then attempted to turn the gun on himself. But before he could fire, the crowd was on him. 

This is the cataclysmic moment that kickstarted the events that would lead to world war 1, and would remain a defining moment in the pantheon of awesome historic moments.