10. Tinder gold – The world is dark, there are no more freshers to seed on 🙁
9. A copy of Surf’s up – I hate to say it.
8. The current capitalist system – You’re poor? Cringe bro aha.
7. Pornhub premium – Long live the king.
6. A ticket to RnV 2020 – Fuck fuck fuck. Forget Gisborne, just give me the good times.
5. Your worryingly high debt – They’ll forget about it as soon as the first toilet paper fight starts.
4. A foreskin – I prefer the smooth, agile, sleek look, no extra weight to carry, ya dig?
3. Your minimalist tattoo – Nah they’re still shit now.
2. 5G cell towers – They’re the ones that caused this thing in the first place.
1. An arts degree – Yeah. About as useful as Magic Johnson’s blood donations.