Issue 22 – Horoscopes

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18
David, if you take a bite directly from the communal block of cheese one more time, you’re kicked out of the flat. Understood?
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20
The clock is ticking for you this week, tick tock. Is that TiK ToK by Ke$ha, TiK ToK by Avril Lavigne, or TiK ToK by Pitbull? Or just TikTok? You decide.
ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19
Mercury and Uranus have aligned this week, signalling a time for experimentation and new adventure. Just don’t take that as a sign to put a thermometer up your rectum, because that won’t end well.
TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20
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GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20 
Owe your flatmates a good cooked breakfast? A lunch? A dinner? Hashbrown layer, baked bean layer, scrambled egg layer, bacon layer, cheese layer. 20 minutes in the oven at 180 degrees. Hell, probably even works for dessert.
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22
If your relationship has been on the rocks lately, you’re already half-way to being James Bond, so take it as a sign to put on your fanciest suit and win big at the casino.
LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22
Leos are known for being courageous and outrageous, but not for their climbing… or their rhyming.
VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22
Scull back a bottle or two of Waikato tonight, and cheers to our progressive region - Waikato Draught the first brewery in New Zealand to be owned entirely by a woman!
LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22
The stars are bright, and the probability that you will have a birthday in the next few weeks is incredibly high. How did I know that? #astrology.
SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21
Just like Nexus is telling 2020 to get fucked with this edition, take this as a sign for you to also tell your ex to get fucked - and not by you!
SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21
The stars have aligned this month to bring you Season 2 of The Boys on Amazon prime, so settle in and prepare to watch your dreams come true as a speedboat drives straight through a whale.
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 19 
You work well under pressure. You’ve left all your assignments to last minute, and you’re lucky if you’ve started studying for exams by the day before. I wish I could tell you this is a bad habit, and won’t pay off in life, but honestly I can’t.
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