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If Parties Were Tinder Profiles

Labour

How would I describe myself? Youthful looking but not as youthful as you think. The thing about me is that I CARE. In fact, I care way too much. I hold myself to an impossibly high standard but I am also a cheap date, largely because I’ll always let other people pay.


National

I’m looking for a committed, opposite sex, heteronormative partner to spend the rest of my life with. They have to be comfortable on the farm and in the church pews. I’m looking for someone self-made, by which I mean someone who has inherited money or started in an upper-middle-class family. 


Greens

Looking for someone who is passionate, active, and comfortable hiking trails. Race, gender and pronouns are all non-issues but if you aren’t a committed vegan be prepared for a stern but compassionate discussion. What’s my ideal date? Something where money isn’t involved because currency and trade is such a boomer discourse.


ACT

I want what all New Zealanders want, someone to spend my time with on my yacht while we make fun of the homeless pushing shopping trolleys. I don’t have any preferences whom, you do you. The only thing I ask is that you fit into a certain tax bracket, have a portfolio of stocks, and preferably a hyphenated name. Also, be careful with my virginity, it’s my gift.


New Zealand First

Seniors looking for love. Willing to stay out till at least 6pm at night. All I really want is someone to sit next to for my twilight years while we yell at the neighbour kids to “keep off our lawn.” My ideal date? It’s whatever I want it to be… Because I am literally entitled to anything. But it would probably be spent at the racecourse talking about how we need to return to the glory days before treaty settlements, or women voting. We would end the night complaining about how millennials feel entitled and complain all the time.

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