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Horoscopes – Issue 23

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

Not being confident enough to eat in front of people in the library will most likely translate into a life of loneliness and longing. Enjoy being a step-parent as well as having a worthless degree. 

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

Last week’s mission of downloading Sharsies will not result in this week’s phone call with Warren Buffett. Honestly, just go fishing or something like a normal person, you prick. 

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

You’re glad that there are no internships going. If there were any going it would mean you couldn’t blame a pandemic on your personal and academic short-comings. 

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

You think Astrology is horseshit. But it still didn’t stop you from reading this did it? Now do some work please, you’re in a library. 

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20 

Sharing content about our “team of five million” and “coming together as one” while being anti-vax is the biggest failure to understand something since your parents described their messy divorce to you in 2008. Try not being a moron for just one day. 

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

The harvest moon in Aries has passed. Your chances of getting laid this week, unaffected by the properties of a fucking moon, remain slim to none. Time for a wank I think. 

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Trying to prove your netball talent at Monday Night Social Sport isn’t going to get you a place in the Magic. You’re just an insecure business major looking to take out your angst on some poor boy trying to make friends. This week focus on chillin’.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Not voting for National or Labour isn’t a unique personality trait. It’s a way of telling yourself you have a unique trait in a sheltered life that was probably dominated by sunscreen and your mum making you crustless sandwiches 

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

It’s your birthday month. Congratulations! Now you can openly talk about how the world revolves around you instead of just implying it for the other 11 months. You peaked at St. Peter’s didn’t you? 

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

The blue moon at the end of Libra will bring you great fortune. However, this fortune will come in the form of a rather aggressive strain of strep throat. Now go out there and get that derived grade champion. 

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

David Attenborough’s documentary has inspired you to focus on saving the planet. Unfortunately, that’s not up to you, it’s up to your polluting, capitalist slave-masters. This week the comrades of Sagittarius should focus on revolution and overthrowing the Bourgeoisie 

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

Take your dog off your Tinder photos bro. She’s not watching. Your dog is a better guy than you anyway. This week the stars have aligned to bring you luck. Might be time to invest in unlimited swipes. 

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