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Horoscopes – Issue 21

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18Your friends have started to click that all of your amazing stories are fabricated. You’re being exposed as the pathological bullshitter you’ve always been. Unfortunately, you have nothing else interesting to offer, keep on yarning. PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20Your adoption of conspiracy theories this year hasn’t placed you in the correct state of mind to become a functional member of society. Take a step back and focus on the things that matter to you, lunar cycles and tinfoil.ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19Politicising every problem with the country on the basis of a political party has made you just as wounding as your boomer parents. Chill out you tightly wound nonce. TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20Believing that you’re smarter than your classmates in ways that can’t be measured is wishful thinking. Your fourth C+ of the year will be a much more permanent mark in history than your quirky, surface-level general knowledge.GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20Keep moving forward in your management degree but just know that half of your friends wouldn’t trust you to organise sex in a brothel, let alone a successful business.CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22Your third skin flare-up won’t be solved by sticking with the water at the restaurant. Jupiter and Venus have aligned but fuck homeopathy, throw some western medicine on that bitch.LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22You’re the one to solve the economic crisis. Don’t worry, it’s only a matter of time before she starts listening to your thoughts on ACT and you overcome the attachment issues your upper-middle-class parents gave you. VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22Town being back excites you way more than it should for an impoverished 22-year-old who can’t drink like they used to, but as your degree finishes it’s the only thing that distracts you from your inevitable unemployment.LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22Your yardie is probably going to be the best moment of your life. Savour it. The drinking reputation around uni you’ve built over the years will most likely translate into divorce and a broken family in your adult life. SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21The essence of hypocrisy lingers in the air surrounding you. This week you should focus on purchasing handsoap for your flat before you decide to lecture someone about the intricacies of a foreign virus.SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21Do you miss them, or are you just horny? Probably both, you’re just stoked that someone had the time and patience to even consider you as on option.CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19Your constant bagging of Hamilton masks the fact that you’re incapable of living anywhere without a KFC and steady stream of cash from mum and dad. This week is about getting out of your comfort zone, try Huntly.
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