Horoscopes – Issue 18

aries: please break up with your shitty boyfriend, he’s ruining your life dude.
taurus: if you need life advice, refer to the lorde x jack antonoff lore slideshow. it knows all.
leo: it’s time to confess your sins on a piece of paper in a park, and then smoke three cones afterwards and throw the piece of paper on the ground.
aquarius: get a hobby. you’re only depressed because you have nothing to do.
libra: you are actually gay. stop lying to yourself.
scorpio: respect your girlfriend’s wishes by not attending your 9am lecture when you two have spent the night together.
sagittarius: speedrun minecraft on a random sunday instead of doing anything productive. it’s worth your time.
capricorn: you can’t keep driving your shitbox without a WOF. one of these days they are going to notice at a cop stop.
cancer: your workload is only that big because you keep procrastinating everything. try doing your work.
gemini: continue staying concerningly updated on internet lolcow lore. someone’s gotta do it.
virgo: you should buy a fedora to seriously upgrade your fits. they’re not cringe anymore apparently.
pisces: please stop opening your mouth to ask questions at the end of class and just let us all come home.