Aries: Your back is fucked from work, and it’s a responsible idea to see the physio. Think of the ACC money.
Cancer: Please continue visiting the cinema once a week. You’re keeping it alive, and we all appreciate it.
Aquarius: Bored? Crazy idea! Go clean out your car. It’s actually disgusting inside and out.
Sagitarius: How long has it been since Heated Rivalry came out? Ages. Just give it up, dude, no one cares anymore.
Gemini: I know you don’t have a routine for class yet, which is quite embarrassing. You’ve had so long to work it out.
Leo: Trauma dump in a notebook or something instead of your Instagram note. Literally no one cares about your ex.
Virgo: Whoring around might be fun, but it is so degrading and we all know that. Consider trying to date someone.
Libra: The crappy sports team that you support will likely never get better. Quit while you’re behind and pick a more competent one.
Scorpio: George Russell is not going to win the WDC. Please get over yourself it’s insufferable.
Pisces: I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: no one cares about your TikTok reposts.
Capricorn: Cigarettes will still harm you, even if you are pure of heart. Smoke them anyway; you only live once.
Taurus: Unfortunately, there is no other song on the planet that hits the same as the one you’re currently into.
