Editorial 

As the 21st season takes it toll on my liver and education (and therefore, the rest of my life), I’m reminded on why we have a 21st. It marks the beginning of the end. One minute you’re staring down the shaft of a yard-long glass of piss, bursting your stomach and coming out your nostrils, the next minute you have two kids and a mountain of debt. Take advantage of your 21st. Have a good time, don’t be one of the people who want something small because something small is all you’ll be getting for the rest of your life. Now, go out there and annihilate that yardy, you’ve earned it.

Drink of the week – Captain Morgan 

Oh, captain my captain! Getting a bottle of the Cap’n for a night out is a sign of maturity. Pair that bad boy with a bottle of vanilla coke and you’ve got yourself a combo that is truly sea-worthy. Captain Morgan is named after a real-life pirate, meaning that any antics you get up to that night will definitely be of the “questionable” variety. That being said, the gimmick with the cap’n is that doing anything questionable after drinking captain gives you an instant scapegoat. “Sorry guys, It wasn’t my fault, Captain’s orders, he made me message my ex, he made me try and fight that bouncer, I’m merely a first mate”. As a whole, the Captain pairs well with, coke, piracy, stealing spices from exotic locations and public indecency charges.

Red card idea – Survival mode

The idea of survival mode is based around the game mode in FIFA-20. In FIFA, the objective is to score goals (obviously). However, upon scoring a goal, you lose a player. This is played until the game is over, or five players are lost. With the survival mode of drinking comes differing rules. Here, we start by purchasing a box (or large box depending on how skilled your group is at sinking). Everyone’s box must be the same as some piss is easier to drink than others. The objective is to drink as much as possible while placing your empties in front of you. Every 20 minutes, the person who has the most empties, and has drunk the most piss, is knocked-out and is safe from further drinking and punishment. The game proceeds until seven players are gone, and only the slower, lesser drinkers remain. If you have smaller numbers, just play until one remains. The slowest drinker/s is the loser and must attempt to four-banger a funnel as punishment.

Sesh wars

You’re at Fairview downs on a Saturday night, and the pad is bouncing to the sound of DnB. We’re talking tarantula, Decompression, all the heavy hitters dropping in the mosh of the run-down tin house, asbestos in the roof and frostbite on the walls but who cares you’re 19, first-year at uni and this party is off the rails. Lasses sinking, cones, funnels, some old wounder tuning up first years, life is good. But fuck me throwing shapes in the rave is hungry work. Hold on someone’s caught a pig from over the fence. Bloody oath we’re firing up the spit and feasting in an hours time. Who’s farm is that over the fence in Fairview downs? Who cares it’s fucking pork mate how good. Free food, DJ throws down funk soul brother, what a classic. Beezys dancing everywhere. Try to get some digits, not tonight mate. But hey tunes beers and free food unreal. Next morning you’re hung like a horse and your stomachs going berserk. Who’s farm was that in Fairview downs? Only the bloody Ruakura animal research centre. Stomachs tossing sideways like the Costa Concordia, as are most of the lads who ate some research swine meat. Unreal from you Fairview downs.

Harry Malcolm