Aries: please break up with your shitty boyfriend, he’s ruining your life dude.
Taurus: if you need life advice, refer to the lorde x jack antonoff lore slideshow. it knows all.
Leo: it’s time to confess your sins on a piece of paper in a park, and then smoke three cones afterwards and throw the piece of paper on the ground.
Aquarius: get a hobby. you’re only depressed because you have nothing to do.
Libra: you are actually gay. stop lying to yourself.
Scorpio: respect your girlfriend’s wishes by not attending your 9am lecture when you two have spent the night together.
Sagittarius: speedrun minecraft on a random sunday instead of doing anything productive. it’s worth your time.
Capricorn: you can’t keep driving your shitbox without a WOF. one of these days they are going to notice at a cop stop.
Cancer: your workload is only that big because you keep procrastinating everything. try doing your work.
Gemini: continue staying concerningly updated on internet lolcow lore. someone’s gotta do it.
Virgo: you should buy a fedora to seriously upgrade your fits. they’re not cringe anymore apparently.
Pisces: please stop opening your mouth to ask questions at the end of class and just let us all come home.
