Strokes frontman Julian Casablancas holds a special place in my heart. When I was highkey fat and horrifically depressed in highschool, I mean like completely miserable – I had a nose pimple and my crush called me Rudolph – sitting in the library and letting my Spotify shuffle through Room On Fire with the unmistakable perfectly awkward interlocking guitar dynamics of Nick Valensi and Albert Hammond, shuffling and then soaring over Fab’s drumming which formed a tight, perfect backbone. Julian Casablanas holds a special place in my heart because when I was highkey fat and horrifically depressed in high school – again: Completely miserable – I scrolled through pinterest and discovered that just like me, Casablancas had become a bit of a chubby loser.
The Strokes are a great loser band and their music has consistently oozed the sleaze that (imo) gave birth to New York’s response to the Landfill Indie spilling in from the U.K. and formed the bedrock that hundreds of rock bands have rested on.
I really don’t think The Strokes had a miss, their worst albums were always just a little forgettable or seemed to be comprised of B-sides from what had been or what was to come, and I was honestly pretty excited for a new album – until I saw the cover art.
Errrrrrrrr, I know, I know, don’t judge a book by its cover, but the whole Cowboy Indie Rock thing is (imo) quite tripe (imo) and boring (IMO) at this point. Then the first single came out, and there was like a two week Twitter discourse over them A.I. generating horses. Then on July 24th we were graced with 42 and 23 seconds of new Strokes in the form of Reality Awaits.
First of all, I’d like to say that Rick Rubin should probably get hit by a car. Or have his fingers cut off or something. That warlock – that mage of monotony – has routinely spun out the most airheaded nonsense. Friends don’t let friends get bad haircuts and they definitely don’t let them strangle themselves through horrifically mixed autotune, but Rubin is a peddler and he’s enabled Casablancas’ really grating habit of trying to cybernetically advance a voice which has been lauded for like 20 years because of its raw drawl. It just doesn’t work. It isn’t endearing or experimental, but at the same time it’s really the only interesting thing about the album. It’s so tedious and boring to listen to uninspired wishy-washy guitar chords writhe desperately on a rhythm set by drum and bass playing that just plods along on a path that was written in the stars when Rubin and his coven decided to contact the spirit of rock through seance, capture it in a net, and milk it for all it’s got. I mean seriously this album is just so goddamn fucking boring, here’s a quick run through of all of the tracks:
- Psycho Shit – I agree, it’s homicidal psycho shit what Rick Rubin has done to music
- Dine N’Dash – This is what I feel like I’m doing when I listen to a good album that isn’t total overproduced shlock like this.
- Lonely in the future – Good albums are sure going to be lonely in the future with this mass-produced syrupy shit
- Falling out of love – Me with The Strokes. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band are my new best friends
- Going to babble on – Please don’t Julian
- Going shopping – You should go shopping for a new producer
- Liar’s Remorse – Is this what they feel for pretending like this album was going to be good
- The Fruits Of Conquest – this is what Rick Rubin calls his multi-million crystal palace in Malibu
- Tyrants of the Mellow Moon – Oh Baby, I can’t wait for this album to be finished
All in all, if the reality that The Strokes claim awaits is this polystyrene poprock, then it can wait – it should wait.
Playlist: A summer playlist to get you through your winter depression
No need to cry, Winter is only here for one more month! Time to start defrosting!!! Bring back your love for life with this Summer playlist to get you ready to have fun in the SUN!!!!! Remember: depression can’t hit a moving target… dance away your problems.
- Cheer Me On – Malcolm Todd
- Untouched – The Veronicas
- Disco 2000 – Pulp
- Sweet Life – Frank Ocean
- mangetout – Wet Leg
- Cologne – beabadoobee
- Dare – Gorillaz fr. Shayn Ryder & Roses Gabor
- Image – Magdalena Bay
- Love Game – Lady Gaga
- Family Affair – Mary J. Blige
- You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette
- Somebody Told Me – The Killers
- Love Galore – Sea ft. Travis Scott
- Devil’s Advocate – The Neighbourhood
- Redbone – Childish Gambino
