Top 5 Geekiest WWE Wrestlers (Pro wrestlers)

Professional wrestling is a picture of mind-bending physiques, overt masculinity, and brute force. It’s also a picture of theatrics, truly insane narratives, and a rainbow of spandex. The combination of these things has attracted a cult following that can be doubtlessly described as geeks. Hence, let’s talk about some of the geekiest characters in professional wrestling that are hailed by WWE fans across the globe.

Phantasio the World’s Worst Magician

In 1995, Phantasio debuted as the WWE’s first and only magician. Yet, there was nothing magical about his act. He dropped a flammable liquid in the ring in an attempted illusion, almost setting the match official on fire and causing his career in wrestling to go up in flames.

Irwin R. Schyster aka IRS

Not only did Schyster wear suspenders in the ring and carry around a briefcase, but he would exclaim his opponents were ‘tax cheats’ that were poisoned against the IRS at a young age. Yeah, nobody sucks more than a guy who worships taxes.

Tekno Team 2000:

In 1996, the WWE attempted to travel to the future by adding duo Troy and Travis to their roster. The pair aimed to mimic the extraterrestrial beings from Plan 9 from Outer Space, speaking in monotone voices, using robotic movements, and wearing sleek silver vests. However, the Tekno Team was unsuccessful in their invasion of the WWE and were quickly sent back to the sidelines.

Max Moon:

Sticking to the alien theme, Max Moon claimed he had travelled to the WWE from beyond the universe. He donned a technicolour jumpsuit, shot off fireworks, and rocketed into the ring strapped to a jetpack. Honestly, he looks like a unicorn’s shit.


Mantaur:

This guy is exactly what you think. Half man, half bull; he looks like a hunter who woke up late and couldn’t find his ghillie suit pants. He also claimed his character alluded to Ovid, the Roman poet, but that reference must have gotten lost in the fur.


Sport Quote of The Week:

Joe Namath

“I wanna kiss you. I couldn’t care less about the team struggguulliing…We’re looking to make a noise now and … I wanna kiss you!”

Sports Crush of the Week:

Alexandra Kosteniuk

In honour of this week’s issue, Geek Culture, it’s only fitting to highlight the geekiest sport’s most beautiful player. Alexandra Kosteniuk is a Russian and Swiss chess grandmaster; the highest rank in the professional scene. She’s held both national and international titles, including Women’s World Chess Champion twice and Women’s World Rapid Chess Champion once. I’m just not sure what’s sharper, her gameplay or her cheekbones.


Is This a Sport?

Theatre Sports

According to the office’s token boomer, a sport is something that requires both physical ability and one’s ability to act and react under pressure. Unfortunately, theatre sports ticks both of these boxes. While it undeniably involves both skill and responsiveness, the pseudo-sport also involves costumes, being around theatre geeks, and impromptu comedy – ugh.  

Verdict: Technically, as it’s name suggests, this should be considered a sport. But, in light of this being an opinion-based magazine and me being an asshole… Theatre sports is not a sport.