Ever lived in a trap house? Now you don’t need to. I am proud of this incredibly original and unique idea of humanising drugs, unless you’ve seen college humour or sausage party, in which case I’ve done it better. We’ve all had that flatmate, but now you’ll know how much their drug of choice affects their inability to wash the dishes.

Nangs 

Nangs are a cracking flatmate. He’ll keep offering you NO2 even if you say no twice. The constant hiss echoing down the hallways has LSD convinced there’s a snake in the flat – is that what snake detection hypothesis means? Other than that he gets along really well with LSD and K but alcohol and nicotine think they’re too chill. Nangs have icy lungs and it’s not from the meth habit a couple summers ago. It’s Substances as Flatmates cool until the bins full of cannisters and you notice all your lynx cans missing. Once he’s kicked out of the flat everyone knows there’s still a couple stores in Hams you can catch him hanging out, but they only say hello to girls and hospo workers. 

MDMA 

Everyone’s convinced she’s a fake bitch and she probably is, all I’m saying is its Hams so you should get her tested. At parties she’s dancing to the dnb faster than nicotine runs to foursquare when he loses his pack. That is, until she pulls two close friends and a stranger into one room to tell the stranger how beautiful her liner and soul are, then cry to her friends for how connected they’ve been since meeting in the house bathroom a month ago. She’s got a twin brother but he’s just uncomfortably horny and hugging queens who denied him eight months ago. If mdma and alcohol are ever one on one it’s either sex or md is holding wine’s hair. Md is horrible the next day and takes a shit load of convincing (or another cap) to stick around. 

Weed 

She’s just a scheme from big fast food and the snack industry, swear she spends more money on munchies than weed. That said, her studylink would go a lot further without the biweekly fids. The only diva asking you to turn down the music as the function. Her social circle consists of a a non-verbal hang with two friends and the rotation of a gravity bong. She’s either gone Blind Melon and Primus deep into rock (giving bogan) or on some MF DOOM style lyrical hip hop. Either way, “pop isn’t music”. Expect to watch Dazed and Confused atleast weekly, “the lack of plot is the plot”. 

LSD 

LSD: “Can you see the patterns?” 

Opiates: “What, of you coming in my room then ruining my high?” 

LSD: “Every time you drink water… you end up pissing…”

Opiates: Nods. 

LSD: “Causation is just like a construct… seed in soil therefore plant grow you know?

Opiates: “What?”

LSD: “That means either everything is connected or nothing is.”

Opiates: “Nothing… is.” 

LSD: “If you believe in nothing then your belief is something so something is…”

Opiates: Nodding.

LSD: “A lack of something still needs the concept of is to not be.”

Opiates: “I’m feeling a lack of pain.”

LSD: “But the absence only expands the territory which sense will again consume.”

Opiates: “Dude, just listen to Alice in Chains.”

LSD: “What about the Dark Side of the Moon?”