THE TROPICAL GARDEN

At first, I thought it was too warm for March. Too warm for Autumn. I realised, quickly, that my symptoms - Swamp Ass, Itchy Eyes, and Nipple Drip – were the result of the impressive implementation of a tropical climate. Buzzing cicadas, more buzzing cicadas, and, ummm... rushing streams. The ambience of the whole thing really sucks you in. I liked the bridge, because it let me take in the whole thing. Not because it cooled me down a little.

HERB GARDEN

Toby really wanted me to find the ‘best place to smoke’ in the gardens. The correct answer is in the car, or in a toilet stall, but if you really have to chief on the go, then you should do it in the herb garden. There’s specifically a medicinal herb section, and you can’t get in trouble, because the ganja comes from the earth, man.

CHINESE SCHOLAR’S GARDEN

There is a stone at the entrance with Mandarin characters carved into it. I opened Google Translate and photo translated it just for it to be someone’s name. Whatever. This garden is my favorite because it has huge goldfish in it and it’s really quiet. Toby really wanted me to find ‘the best place to root’, too, so I found a little ditch that goes up and against the back wall of the lake. I call it the ‘great wall of chitty-chitty-bang-bang.’ LMK what you think.

SURREALIST GARDEN

On the way into this garden, you pass a statue of Alice in Wonderland. That’s only important to me because we’ve been covering Alice in Wonderland in my English paper, so I said ‘huh, neat.’ I don’t know why I was a little disappointed to realize they didn’t actually have full-fledged trees that looked like that. Too many hipsters are taking photos next to the comically sized shovel.

ENGLISH FLOWER GARDEN

The English Flower Garden was closed and is being reopened in the spring as the Irish Flower Garden, following successful liberation from the clutch of loyalist, gammon holdouts.