Each week, our not-so-mild-mannered section Editors will compete with one another, not for fame or fortune, just to be told they won something. After the mid-trimester break, all of these topics will be assigned by a puppet master and will focus on current affairs or recent news, with a forfeit for the loser in the standard clickbait style (such as eating chili or jumping in the lake). But for this week we left it to Ruby and Dylan to decide and we got “You can fuck a tree, right?”

Can you Fuck a Tree?

Ruby Tocker – NO!

Dylan Jarrett – YES!

Consent and Autonomy

Let’s address the elephant in the room: a tree can’t consent. It can’t say no, it can’t sign a written document, and it can’t even nod. While you may argue that a tree lacks life and consciousness, a small section of the fauna’s cells are alive. Such cells are essential to a tree’s survival and processes. Thus, even though a tree is without autonomy, it’s a living, breathing being that can’t communicate it’s needs. In short, an inability to say no doesn’t mean yes!

Ignoring the real elephant in the room; the fact that there are multiple pieces of nature that have been granted legal personhood, and all the rights associated, personhood is not the basis for being able to marry something! Think about how many dudes pump it into a pocket pussy, or shut-ins that marry their anime waifus. Obviously, we can develop genuine attachment to inanimate objects, would you rather someone be intimate with plastic, or a product of Earth’s natural beauty?

Physical Discomfort

Next, fucking a tree sounds painful. Rough bark, thorny branches, and itchy greenery is bound to inflict injury no matter what you’re packing. Thus, this could cause life-long damage to your tools and inhibit you from having sex ever again. Not to mention wank ever again.

You’d be shocked at the wonders lube and a dream can produce.

Seed Distribution

Finally, let me tell you a cautionary tale. You meet a cute tree at a party, you take them home for a night of passion, you keep in contact, you start officially dating, you move into a quaint home together, you have a shimmering wedding, you want to start a family… But you can’t. You can’t make a baby with a tree, dumbass.

Be real, how many people get together to make a baby anymore? It’s just not the driver; it hasn’t been for a while. Are infertile women, or men with vasectomies, somehow undeserving of love and intimacy just because they can’t procreate? I don’t see a beefy oak and think about what our kids are gonna look like. I think about what the oak looks like. And it looks like a tree I’d like to fuck.