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Horoscopes – Issue 17

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

Saturn’s rings move through the Aquarius cluster. You may notice more people getting engaged, not because there are more engagements, but because I said it, so now you’ll notice it.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

With Neptune firmly in your court this week, it’s important to follow the rules, even the strange ones. Note, you can still get done for handling a salmon suspiciously in England.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

There is always a non-zero chance of being struck in the genitals, but be sure to take extra care as the chaos of the universe puts them especially at risk this week.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

A stroke of fortune awaits; you may receive an email from Attasi Dodo letting you know you’ve inherited untold riches. It may be a scam, but it’s not like you have any better options.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

There is about a 92% chance that this is not your horoscope because your star sign isn’t Gemini, and motherfuckers should learn to keep their eyes off what ain’t theirs.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

Even though the Cancer constellation doesn’t look like a 69, you’ll continue seeing 69 throughout the world like you always have. 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Mercury and the Sun have come to say what up, an echo of someone you barely know coming to say what up and asking if you’ve seen their vape.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Mars and Venus are close to you right now. This means it’s a perfect opportunity to make childish jokes about boys and girls, quantities of bras, and sizes of penises.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

Haumea watches over you. It is a sign of an enduring presence as it will be fucking around in Libra a few more years yet. Long story short, stop ignoring your mum; she’ll keep ringing.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

The new moon approaches along with a new you. Maybe you’ll begin attending all those classes you’ve been skipping; that student loan money doesn’t just magically appear out of nowhere after all.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

The Universe is quiet right now. It’s an excellent time to patch that head-sized hole in the hallway while the planets and your landlord aren’t watching.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

The stars tell a tale of caution this week. Just because your psycho mate is encouraging you to dump a thousand dollars into diarrhoea coin doesn’t mean you should.