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UNSEALED SEX POSITIONS

We noticed a lot of people were paid for creating sex positions recently. We at Nexus decided to give it our best shot. No pun intended.

POLITICAL EDITION

 

The Collins: The Collins is a reverse cowgirl where you complain about the mistreatment of farmers, make it look like you are doing more work than you are, and never reach climax.

 

The Seymour: The Seymour is usually preceded by begging for sexual contact but eventually involves a standard 69 where your partner gives you some oral sex but you do nothing because it would be socialism if you both worked together for the good of the unit.

 

The Strange:

This one involves a Christian politician, a little person, a mannequin and a bathtub. Don’t believe us?

The Bennett:

This is a modified posh man where you sit in a tie and a bucket hat, think about how much better you had it under an ex that left a decade ago, and have a wank.

 

The Swarbrick:

Use your mouth to lovingly but consensually explore every inch of your partner’s body making sure there are limited cracks, water damage, and adequate heating before letting your tenant take up residence.

 

ENTERTAINMENT EDITION

 

The Suzy Cato: The Cato is when you say kia ora and talofa inviting multiple people in for 30 minutes of fun and learning before having a nap and telling them all to leave and come back tomorrow.

 

The Lorde: Unique, exciting and from a brand new, never been done before angle the first time you try The Lorde. The second time is a green light but reminds you of every other position you have tried. The third time is boring, vanilla and feels like you are having sex on a beach with the entire cult from Gloriavale watching. 

 

The Six60: Missionary, but then you spend time lying to your friends and yourself about how great it was.

 

The Professional Athlete: A modified doggy style where your partner’s knees are on the lid of the disabled toilet you were just doing coke off. After which you tell them they are the one and you are absolutely going to leave your spouse.

 

The Patrick Gower: Perching on a couch and using your thighs as vice clamps to lock your partner’s head into your genitals to both keep them from speaking and to keep you from having to see their face.

 

BONUS

The Tamaki: This one is just straight hate-fucking, anal sex with fake tan, because everyone deserves to feel the earth move once and a while.