You’re about to lose it to your high school sweetheart, what is the ‘banger’ on your take my virginity playlist?
Smack That – Akon
Green Light – Lorde (Consent, who could ask for more?)
Wagon Wheel – Darius Rucker
WAP – Cardi B feat. Megan Thee Stallion
You’re on a date, what food is guaranteed to make them want to rip your clothes off?
Refuel Jo’s because I am a MASSIVE racist
$6 dessert night at Iguana
Which political party do you support?
What are you ‘watching’ for the Netflix part of your Netflix and Chill?
Fast and the Furious
50 Shades of Grey
Breaking Dawn Part 2
You’re at a party when you realise you have slept with at least two people in the room, do you…
Make sure they both know it and so does everyone else in the room. That won’t be awkward, right?
Not a problem! I haven’t slept with more than two people
Invite both of them over for a threesome
Play it cool, we’re all adults here
It’s Saturday night and you’re on the piss. What are you drinking?
Craft beers, obviously. Do you even know about IPAs?
A fine special reserve Merlot
Whatever has the highest damage per standard
You hooked up with someone on Tinder three times and they think there is something there but you haven’t DTR yet. On a night out someone else wants to take you home, what do you do?
I didn’t ask them to be committed and it isn’t like we are at the stage where we have to tell each other about every person we hook up with
Immediately text them and ask them if it’s okay
Give it a miss, they’ll be plenty more opportunities
If a recent lover compared your behaviour during sex to a Disney Character it would most likely be:
Gaston from Beauty and the Beast – rugged and rough but good looking
Tinkerbell – needs attention to survive
Sebastian from The Little Mermaid – darlin’ it’s better down where it’s wetter
You know that they’re cartoons, right?
And your emotional state after sex?
Is getting an Uber an emotional state?
Weep gently in their arms for approximately 45 minutes
90 seconds for cuddling then roll over and snore obnoxiously
Smoke a dart
Finally, you’re hungover. What’s your go-to McDonalds order?
The Serious AngusTM
Chicken McNugget 10 Pack
Mostly 1s You are the type to cum and go.
Right now, you are a bit of a selfish lover and that’s okay. Just make sure everyone knows who you are from the start. You have the rest of your life to grow and change. There isn’t anything wrong with what you are doing. Just know you aren’t going to be ‘the one that got away’, but someone’s ‘one they didn’t get away from fast enough’. That said, if you said you use a Filet-O-Fish to treat a hangover you may be history’s greatest monster.
Mostly 2s You will be everyone’s dream… in a few years time.
You try really hard, and that is fantastic. You are always willing to learn and you aren’t afraid to experiment, within reason. You are the kind of person anyone would want to take home to meet a parent. That’s the problem though – sometimes you can be too safe a choice. And sometimes your own partners are a little worried that you do so much to try and please them but you don’t know what you want…yet. Keep at it, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
Mostly 3s You are down to F*ck!
Life is one massive party and you are going to try and fuck every part of it that will let you. You’re the ultimate go-with-the-flow kind of person and that draws other people to you. Settling down, falling in love is someone’s retirement plan. Shine on you crazy diamond. Just ensure regular testing and someone knowing where you are and what you are on.
Mostly 4s You are a pleasure Picasso.
You know what you want and you know what your partners want too. It ‘cums’ naturally to you. You’re great at sex. Sometimes though your ego fools you into thinking that is enough for any relationship. You want more, you sometimes crave more. But you just don’t understand that the part of the body that orgasms connect to, isn’t the heart.