THE STRIDE OF PRIDE – RECLAIMING THE ONE NIGHT STAND
I took a gap year in 2019 and worked overseas at an outdoor education camp and hooked up with a colleague, for the sake of this story, we’ll call Izzy. We both had a great time but the problem was, she caught some pretty intense feels, pretty quickly. Luckily, it was a few weeks before I left to come back to New Zealand, so I assumed she would have gotten over it when I went back four months later in 2020. I was wrong.
Thanks to COVID, what might’ve been a year-long trip was cut short by about 11 months. So, what better way to celebrate everyone seemingly wasting their money on plane tickets than by having a three-day bender before we left? This super hot girl called Danielle was hosting. I had the biggest crush on her, and I think she liked me too. So on the first night, I thought, “Right, I’m gonna strut my stuff”, and I think she was aroused by my heightened promiscuousness, especially the ketchup smiley face I put on her beef burger. But there was a problem – my best mate Stuart told me they had tried and failed to have sex the night before because he had felt so guilty for having a girlfriend at the time and got whiskey dick. Dude, what the fuck. So, while we were sitting on Danielle’s bed having bro time, another drama was unfolding outside. Izzy was accusing this other girl, Kaitlynn of trying to get with me and was apparently shouting that I “belonged” to her. Great.
Danielle and her sister (also called Izzy) stormed in on our bro time and started accusing me of not attempting to fix the outside problem. I replied, “It’s not my problem because I don’t like either of them”, and to this day I remain justified in saying that. Then, Danielle looked me right in the eyes and said, “Well, who do you like then?” Oh fuck, I hadn’t told Stuart I liked her. FUCK. Because she knew I liked her, but she didn’t know that I knew her and Stuart had been at it the night before, and it felt like she wanted me to say it directly in front of both of them.
Meanwhile, we were hearing the beginnings of a catfight outside. So, we all went to calm them down, and I’ll be honest, it was pretty funny until the oil spray came out from the kitchen. Could this get any worse? Hold on to your seat.
After tensions were settled, I was in the process of fumbling Danielle’s question when another one of my best friends, Katie, suggested that we all play beer pong. Good idea, I needed a drink. We got fucked. Too fucked.
Danielle’s sister Izzy was going to bed, and I was wasted and horny, so I said to Katie, “I might sleep with Izzy tonight”. Katie was like, “whoa dude, nice”, and I thought she knew I was talking about Danielle’s sister, not psycho Izzy. So I asked Izzy, “Hey, can I share the bed with you?” and she was like, “Wow, I didn’t expect this, but yeah”. We were getting it on when the other Izzy came in and started taking her clothes off because she thought I wanted to have sex with her, but then realised I was sleeping with Danielle’s sister. Turns out my best friend Katie, bless her soul, had told Izzy I wanted to get back with her again without knowing I was talking about the other Izzy at the party.
Izzy screamed at me for betrayal and other assorted things I wasn’t guilty of. We were both telling her to get out when Danielle and Stuart walked in and saw me naked with Danielle’s sister. I nearly died, both internally and literally.
One night stands? Fucking been there and done that.
MY SECOND TIME?
While I date men (surprise) my first time wasn’t actually with a guy (bigger surprise?) and on that note of admitting falsities; I also lied to my first male sexual partner. I’m sorry my guy, I wasn’t a virgin and no you weren’t the best I ever had. Also, don’t rate people immediately after sex, it’s kinda fucked bro.
My first time was pretty awkward too but not nearly as uncomfortable as my first gay experience. She was nice, we had a laugh and then afterwards played sports. That’s what heteros do right? Nah but she and I are still good friends, and she’s actually le$bean (no jokes about me turning her thanks). Even now I would identify as bisexual when asked seriously, however saying that I’m gay is definitely easier as there’s noone commenting on how it’s a gateway sexuality. With that said, let me tell you about the first time I had sex with a guy.
Okay I’m not going to go into detail about my first gay experience, but I will say that it’s a lot differnent than sex with a woman. That should be a given right? However, going into this encounter with a man had me sort of fucked up, I wasn’t prepared for the mental ordeal of coming to terms with my sexuality. Worse so, the aftermath. I went on to date this person and thought I was a-sexual because I didn’t want nor did I enjoy sex with him. Turns out that there is such a thing as physical and sexual attraction, and it does affect your sexual drive. Once again, I’m sorry my guy.
I will leave you with this, sex is sex. You shouldn’t put too much pressure on it, because chances are your second time isn’t going to be that great. If you’re someone who prefers sex with someone of the same gender, that’s fucking cool. And if you don’t, that’s fucking cool too. But if you’re going in the back, use lube. A LOT of lube.
It’s Okay to Wait – Virgin on Campus
As I sit here trying to write something on this topic, I’m just hoping Nexus places it next to the Blind Date section. Because let’s be honest, it’s the most-read section and this topic goes quite nicely with it, don’t you think?
As somebody who has to teach Sex Ed to a bunch of children going through puberty without having experienced any of it myself, I believe this is written from a very unbiased perspective.
University campus is a place full of young (and sometimes very old) adults. So, when someone asks you if you stayed over at your boyfriends house or when someone makes a comment about a new sex position, you get a very strange look when you don’t contribute to the conversation. This is sometimes followed by, “Why not? Are you a virgin?” And to be honest, in this society they have every right to question it. Because as a young, female in the prime of my life, why would I be a virgin? Use your body while it still works, they say.
However, as much as this is a fair reaction, the judgement could be dropped a little. Just because you’re a virgin doesn’t mean you should assume they are allergic to sexual jokes, because trust me, I love them just as much as you. Also, everyone has different reasons for staying a virgin whether it is religion, past experiences, or for personal reasons, so don’t assume you know. So, I have included a list of positives of being a virgin on campus.
You never have to do the walk of shame. And if you’re anything like me and love your sleep, the chances of you accidentally sleeping in till 10am are high, which only makes the morning after even more embarrassing and awkward.
Your sleep is 100% clingy and sweat free.
Let’s be honest girls, the ‘shoelaces’ that you wear aren’t comfortable to wear every single day, in case you land a date.
You don’t have to pick up the pieces when you get dumped or screwed over by a person who got sex and ghosted you.
You can eat as much as you want and not worry about what people will think of your body.
There’s quite a few I could add, but I am going to rest my case here.
So, when someone says they are a virgin don’t be a douche and mock the crap out of them. Remember, the life of a virgin is so much easier than yours, and they will probably be the ones always available to pick you up when you get smashed. Think. Twice. You. Inconsiderate. Poo. Because being a virgin on campus with all of these horny adults, it aint a flaw, it’s a freaking achievement.