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Horny-Scopes – Issue 16

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

This week is a time to express your desire free from kink shaming. The stars align to encourage you to let your freak flag fly. But to answer the original question, no, Nexus will not be selling Neil Quigley masks. SEX POSITION: In B Block

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

The word discretion is written in the stars. Just because it has three adjustable spin cycles doesn’t mean we all need to see that. It absolutely isn’t why it is called the Hillcrest Self-Service Laundromat. SEX POSITION: The Uncooked WSU Snag

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

Chastity is a virtue. Every time you have improper thoughts this week, think about your mum, or your sister. We do, and it works every time. SEX POSITION: The Lady Goodfellow

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

Love is in the air for you but due to an abundance of caution and a mask mandate on public transport you probably won’t notice. Thanks to COVID you may live a long and loveless existence. SEX POSITION: The Greasy Bus Stop

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Persistence is key to a lot of careers but it may be time to face the fact that “they are just not that into you.” On the other hand, those skywriters are at an all time low. SEX POSITION: The UniRec

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

You may be overcome with lust this week and genuinely considering a torrid affair like the one in the romance stories app where the student fucks their RA. But if that was ever going to be on the cards you wouldn’t have chosen THIS halls of residence. There is a reason R.A.I.L.F isn’t a thing. SEX POSITION: Studville is Ironic

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Across the crowded Outback dance floor your eyes will meet, your attraction will be instant. The pulse quickens, as you talk, laugh and then they ask for your phone before putting in their OnlyFans account and telling you that they hope you subscribe. SEX POSITION: The Viral Marketer

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Ponder this: If you are a Virgo, a Virgin and a Vegan are you a Virgan? A V3? Either way we are pretty sure the Venn diagram of personality traits and why you don’t get invited to parties is a perfect circle. SEX POSITION: The Kinky Karen

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

Maybe it is time to rethink your extracurriculars. “I knew I wanted to tear your clothes off and consent to have you take me any way you want, after I saw you as third speaker in that debate moot” is a sentence no sexual being has ever uttered. SEX POSITION: Mutual MasDEBATEion

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

It’s time to live out a fantasy and sex on the beach is more than a cocktail. But don’t compromise your dreams because ‘sex in a uni lake’ will only lead to embrassingly telling your grandkids “That was the time I got full body chlamydia while a duck watched on silently masturbating with his corkscrew penis.” SEX POSITION: The Lake of Fire and Sludge

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

The first step to finding love is learning how to love. The second step is just heading over to The Bank during happy hour, those are some thirsty divorcees. SEX POSITION: The Hungry Cougar

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

Just like your clogged insinkerator, you’re suffering a build up and are ready to explode if someone doesn’t help you relieve the tension. Unlike the insinkerator, we don’t recommend getting a tradie in to take a look, but letting a landlord take a look may have unexpected benefits. SEX POSITION: The Swarbrick