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Horoscopes – Issue 12

Aquarius:

 

A friendly reminder: Drinking Purple Goannas isn’t a personality trait, Aquarius. Try drinking a lime cruiser like the rest of the 1st XV. 

 

Pisces:

 

If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. The person you matched with on Tinder still picks their nose and eats it. Take some time out for yourself, Pisces.

 

Aries:

 

It’s time to take control, Aries. This group assignment isn’t going to do itself and for once, you’re the smartest in your group. 

 

Taurus:

 

Last week’s eclipse is having little to no impact on your mood but your flat mates don’t know that. Blame your shitty attitude on the moon… They don’t need to know the real reason.

 

Gemini:

 

Money is coming in, but it’s going right back out again. Maybe lay off the pokies – we don’t see any jackpots written in the stars.

 

Cancer:

 

The stars tell us finances will be tight this week. But it’s still not time to cancel the gym membership you’ve used twice this trimester. You’re basically halfway to being a greek god now.

 

Leo:

 

Everything the light touches will one day be yours. Is this a Lion King reference for Leo? Sure. Is it poignant? Not really. It is June which means we won’t see light for another six weeks. If it was everything the fog touches you would own a campus.

 

Virgo:

 

Mars and Venus are pushing you to make a big decision. Not about love or life, but something far more important. For us the answer is simple. Sue’s Cafe is superior to Bongo. Go the honey chicken.

 

Libra:

 

Today you may feel like the entire weight of the world is resting on your shoulders. It’s only 20 kilos and the chick next to you presses that for her warm-up. Come on.

 

Scorpio:

 

There is a powerful force in the air. It’s in the smokers area at Back Bar and it asks, “hey mate, want a dart?” Listen to your gut. 

 

Sagittarius:

 

Don’t be afraid to speak up and ask “Can you please go back to the last lecture slide?” Take comfort Sagittarius, be the mature student you were always born to be  – without you, we’d be lost.

 

Capricorn:

 

The haziness surrounding Venus is clouding your emotions. So, we’re going to suggest, don’t have emotions. Casual sex and careless disregard for the wellbeing of others may make you a sociopath but it is only till the haziness of Venus clears up, right?