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Horoscopes – Issue 9

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Except that one thing, you know what it is I’m talking about. It’s huge. And you should probably get on top of it before it gets on top of you.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

This will be a creative week for you, use it wisely. If you’ve been putting off that assignment, you should do it now. If you’ve already done most of it, you should probably start again.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

When you look back at the end of your life it’s unlikely that you’ll remember all the people you have slept with. You’ll remember the first, the last, and Jamie. Nobody ever forgets Jamie.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

Something really big is about to happen to you. It is impossible to tell exactly what it is going to be but there is every possibility that it is going to be an assignment. Good luck.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

It’s generally good advice to not follow the herd, follow your heart, and be your own person. Except when your own person is a raving lunatic. Then you should definitely follow the herd.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

Prepare yourself for the possibility that we may not get another Level 4 lockdown this year. As fun as that would be it’s not great for the economy. Or your grades.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Your natural charm is a winner with parents-in-law but your lecturers can see straight through it. Be honest, your night-before effort is only worth the C minus you got for it.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

Your powers of discernment are on point at the moment. Use them wisely to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil. Also use them to pick your socks in the morning.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

One day when future historians write the history books they will look back at this time as almost indistinguishable from any other part of human history. Except for the fact that it had you in it.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

It doesn’t matter what people think of you, it only matters what you think. Unless everybody thinks you’re an out of control sociopath, then you should take a good hard look at yourself.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

It’s time you gave that new, uniquely ‘you’ thing a go. The thing that will distinguish you from the unwashed masses of the student population. But that thing is not a hat. It’s not.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

That cutie has been checking you out when you’re not looking, but don’t look now. They might be reading this too and when they see you look in their direction THEY WILL KNOW.

 

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