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Olie Breaks the News – Issue 8

Amongst a plethora of real news about infinitely more important things, there is one story out there that demands your complete attention. Regardless of your hobbies, dietary requirements or opinion on soft shell tacos, you will all know and appreciate the terror of the tyrannosaurus rex.

 

The undisputed number one draft pick in the dinosaur fantasy draft. The Beyoncé of the boy band Rex and the Raptors. The megastar of the prehistoric genre and the scariest fucking creature to ever exist. You probably know the T-rex from it’s many cameos in the Jurassic Park franchise, but what if I told you the oversized lizard might need a character re-write?

 

A recent study has revealed that the big scary carnivore wasn’t a solitary hunter as previously

thought and likely hunted in packs, like wolves. WOLVES BRO. Has there ever been a bigger no thank you when it comes to imagining things? 

 

Celina Suarez, associate professor of geosciences at the University of Arkansas, was part of the team that discovered dino bones in Utah. The remains of five tyrannosaurs were found allowing Suarez and her crew to connect the dots on the habits of one of history’s greatest predators.

 

“This supports our hypothesis that these tyrannosaurs died on this site and were all fossilised together. They all died together, and this information is key to our interpretation that the animals were likely gregarious in their behaviour,” said Suarez.

 

Now picture yourself a young, plump stegosaurus having just finished college. Despite a sizeable debt in stones from a degree in Applied Water Hole Analysis majoring in Not Eating Your Own Shit, you are in high spirits. The world is your huge prehistoric oyster, or at least it was.

 

You find yourself suddenly surrounded by three T-rex, all wearing leather jackets and all with their hair slicked back despite not having the actual arm length to comb it themselves. Perhaps you could have goose-stepped the first one, maybe a perfectly timed “look over there” fools the second. But three? Nah man that’s a wrap, you’re T-rex toast.

 

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