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Lorde of the Rings – Issue 8

When I was young and impressionable I had trouble sleeping. Each night, after reading many books and never batting an eyelid, I would ask mum if I could nestle up while she watched Midsommar Murders, a 90s British television show I still watch today. I vividly remember one episode featuring a quaint Gypsy Fair in the country and ever since, I wanted to attend a whimsical fair like such, minus the murder of course. 


Now, Gypsy Fairs are hard to come by in Waikato. It’s difficult to gauge whether there is a fortune teller lingering in the Hilly over a pint. Nevertheless, there are prophecies among us. I say that mainly because it seems in today’s world, to not believe in some higher power is to be foolish. The world isn’t immune to a spiritual realm which brings me to an ultimate deduction; nothing is ever as it seems. Is the University breeding mutant catfish in the ponds? Is Stacey from Kahurangi Café Neil Quigly in disguise? Is UniRec pumping opium in their air vents to cloud our noses from one another’s questionable armpit odour? But perhaps the most engaging and non-uni related question of all, was Lorde’s 2015 secret onion ring account a foreshadow of COVID-19?


When fans first started noticing strange activity from a strange Instagram account, there were few to no speculations of it being run by a celebrity overlord. But this wasn’t just any onion ring account, it was conjured specifically for review purposes. With only 24 followers, this person was not seeking attention. One onion ring was reviewed and consumed on an international flight from Tennessee to New York. Who also happened to be travelling on a flight from Tennessee to New York? Lorde. But that is not the point, we already know it was run by her. What we didn’t know was the impact the onion ring account had on modern society. 


The government is lying to you, the notion that a virus emerged from a bat or an animal is illogical. And what happened when the virus gained traction and took over the world? Celebrities took to Instagram telling everyone to keep safe and push through. However, I argue that Lorde had prior knowledge of this virus and left hidden messages on her onion ring review account. I further add of it being a foreshadow of the terrible times to come. 


Why do I believe this? Pure facts. For one, onion rings appear in a deep-fried circular form. What else comes in a similar circular form? The virus under the microscope. For another, the virus spread astronomically fast infecting millions. Likewise, with Lorde, her music influenced millions through the likes of our ear canals. Ears = Listen + Circles? She was warning us all along. How? Illuminati or a group similar obviously, don’t take my word for it but if I disappear in a week or two you’ll know why. 


Between celebrity overlords and questionable governments, it is times like these that bring out the best and worst of us. Mostly the worst because we seem to ruin everything we’re given some way or another, like exposing a once anonymous onion ring account. It is a strange world out there and only getting stranger, so who is to say this argument is a bunch of willy nilly gossip and not part of larger and more terrifying truths?


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Editorial – Issue 8