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Horoscopes – Issue 8

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

The biggest shock to come from the Oscars last week, was the Pinocchio movie. How did the entire world manage to miss the release of this award-winning nightmare?

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

This is a reminder to change your sheets, again. And to have a good, hard think about whether you want to be the guy who only changes his sheets when a magazine says so.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

Yeah the Chiefs! I’d say you should bet on them next week, because we’ve got a win in the bag this time. But that’s probably illegal of me to say, so don’t.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

We’re heading into winter, and Hamilton is getting colder, and damper. This is literally a reclaimed swampland, what’d you expect?

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

If you were worried that 2021 was falling flat already – fear not: Licorice flavoured Toffee Pops are now available at the supermarket!

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

You’re cutting your assignments even closer to the deadlines these days – was that Elemeno P song written for you? “It’s 11:57 and I’m running out of time”.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

There were reports of a “Pink Super Moon” last week.  Exactly what it sounds like, unless it sounds like P!nk mooned someone, in which case, not what it sounds like.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Six60 just pulled off a sellout show at Eden Park. They’ve come a long way from the days of university, when Matiu left his dishes in the sink for a month (I assume).

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

If you’re looking for a sign to get back with your ex, this is absolutely not it. Don’t do it.  You broke up for a reason, remember?

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

Does it really count as a mid-trimester break if the whole time you’re fending off remarks from your family like, “On holiday already? Do students ever even study?”

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

Jealous of the blood donors above? Mars is in your zone, so you too can do a selfless deed of your choosing. Just no adopting pets. You’re not as responsible as you think.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

Jupiter is in your zone this month, which means if you meet the NZ Blood criteria, you should sign up to give blood! It saves lives and most importantly, you get free biscuits afterwards.