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Growing the Fuck Up – Issue 8

Have you dedicated yourself to the pursuit of becoming a big bubbly wubbly muscle man? Have you kept up a streak of posting *treats* stories in order to maintain the guise of a balanced diet so nobody questions your crippling eating disorder?


If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, chances are you’re either a blessed gym-bro on the path to physical enlightenment. Or you’re an insufferable cunt that people only maintain a distant relationship with so they can take the piss out of your Instagram to their real friends. Or maybe you spent your entire youth overweight and now the burden of those wasted years has made pain pleasurable and left you with some hefty body dysmorphia. 


Regardless, within this wasteland of fitness fads and get ripped quick schemes it’s almost impossible to sustainably reach your goals. People will try and tell you that “maintaining a sustainable calorie deficit with a balanced diet, an active lifestyle, and a healthy sleep schedule is a great way to lose weight.” WRONG. What you really need is heartbreak.


I’m not talking about some sappy 2-month fling that you’ll forget about in a couple of days, I’m talking about that real shit. That kind of relationship where your parents love them more than they love you, years of unfiltered emotions and unabashed honesty which forms a bond you’re incapable of imagining life without. Once you’ve reached that point of everything being a little too good, just wait. Before long they’ll abruptly throw it all away for the freedom of fondling and being fondled by anyone who isn’t you. Your mum will start to cry as your dad stoically reaffirms the embarrassment he feels towards you. You spend weeks endlessly searching for something to fill the void, convincing yourself it’s not real, that it’s just a mistake, you try justify that you’d be fine if they just wanted to fuck around for a couple of months as long as they’d eventually be yours again. Pathetic. It’s at this point where you need to look in the mirror, look at the damage that years of a healthy relationship has caused, the “I know they’re about to break up with me but I’m too scared to accept it” comfort pounds, you’re a mess. Now’s the perfect time to channel your pain, throw yourself into a blinding fury of obsessive and unhealthy habits, manically workout, fuel yourself with self-hatred and the insatiable urge to make them regret ever leaving you – abandon your personality and adorn your new physique with a full kit of Gymshark and ensure you’re never seen without a shaker in hand.


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Editorial – Issue 8