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Horrorscopes
Putting a little bit of horror in the weekly shake down.

Horoscopes – Issue 4

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

Think fast. You will need to if you want to get that assignment handed in on time, and if you don’t… well. It’s only one assignment, don’t stress it. Nevermind that you’re the only one who missed it.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

Go where the wind takes you is good advice for you. Other things it is good for include birds, autumn leaves, airborne viruses, and that one lecturer who keeps saying stuff that sounds profound but is really hot air.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

Your inability to commit to anything can be incredibly charming to other students out for a quick hookup but it’s not going to help you graduate. Stick to at least one thing.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

You don’t have to go without the finer things in life but you may have to adjust your definitions for now. Champagne and caviar may not be on the menu but you can still put some sweet chilli sauce in your 2 minute noodles.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Now is not a good time to start an affair with your best friend’s other half. Despite how you feel they will not take it as well as you think. Besides, you have homework.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

Prepare yourself for the possibility that we may not get another Level 4 lockdown this year. As fun as that would be it’s not great for the economy. Or your grades.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Superficiality and grandstanding will only get you so far. And if the last four years are anything to go by, that “so far” is to the very top of the most powerful institutions on the planet. Make of that what you will.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Your powers of discernment are on point at the moment. Use them wisely to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil, cooperation and cheating. Also use them to pick your socks in the morning.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

When choosing between two equally appealing options this week, go for the red one. It will speak to your soul in a way so tangible you will wonder how you ever got by without it. You can thank us later.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

It’s an intense time this week for you so be easy on yourself . Write your lecturer for an extension on that assignment. Stop texting that person who isn’t texting you back after 3 instead of 12 messages.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

It is inevitable that if you don’t do the things you need to do right now you will not get what you are after later. This might sound like that generic astrological bullshit that is relevant to everybody. Because it is.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

If you spend too much dwelling on the past you will be disappointed. Instead look forward to where anything is possible and you can imagine yourself as the person you proved yourself not to be on the weekend.

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