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Early Birds – Issue 4

Catching Fucking Worms

You will no doubt have seen/read about successful people’s daily routines.  They get up at the 15 minutes before the ass crack of dawn so they can punch the sun in the face.  They run six marathons, lift a million kilograms.  They fix the economy and world poverty in their meditation session.  They eat some obnoxiously healthy breakfast, have sex with their spouse, drop the kids off outside the school, and it’s only 5:30 am.

It’s time to stop; time to stop modelling your routine on that of some 25-year-old douche CEO on YouTube talking nonsense about getting up early.  The idea that you need to wake up pre 6 am to achieve your goals, eviscerate your enemies and desecrate their civilisations is entirely ludicrous.  There is no evidence to support this whatsoever.  There is evidence to reinforce that being tired kills productivity, and there are two main ways to be tired.

Many sleep scientists speculate that only about 10% of the population benefits from early rising.  If this is you, good, keep killing it.  I know you’re already killing it because all of our human infrastructures seem designed for you fucking people to exploit, so you can stop reading here.  Meanwhile, around 30% are night owls, and by god, you people have it tough.  It seems to be the only thing going for the night owls is night shift work and/or self-employment because everyone else is busy catching some z’s.  The remaining 60% are just regular old daytime mother fuckers.

The range of sleep cycles means that to be successful, figure out what yours is, and stick to it like shit to a blanket.  If you can nail this first and base your life around it second, you’ll feel better for it.  The human brain does not cope well with irregular sleep patterns or trying to force it to wake or sleep when it just isn’t inclined that way.   For example, Kelly Glazer Baron, a clinical health psychologist, has found that people more active at night can only shift their sleep cycle so much even with various therapy techniques.  This shift is often to their detriment.  Ultimately, if you aren’t sleeping when it’s right for your body, you will be tired, and you will suffer for it.

While the answer to the question: does one need to get up early to succeed? Is a resounding ‘not on your fucking life, son’; there is also a ‘but maybe’ attached to that.  This part is primarily for the regular old daytime mother fuckers, but can extend to our early morning and late-night brethren as well.  I think we agree that sleeping in makes you either a giant piece of shit or Vladimir Putin.  Don’t believe me?  Here are the only reasons to sleep in:

  •       Hard night on the piss/doing drugs. Conclusion: piece of shit
  •       Stayed up late playing games, fucking around on the internet, or watching movies/tv. Conclusion: piece of shit
  •       Stayed up late completing an assignment.  Conclusion: piece of shit, you should have finished that by now
  •       Too much sugar/caffeine during the day.  Conclusion: piece of shit
  •       Chronic depression and anxiety.  Conclusion: go to the fucking doctor, you sad, sad cunt
  •       You’re very busy running Eastern Europe.  Conclusion: mad dog

The only thing a sleep-in is ever actually suitable for is being comatose while the hangover subsides.  Otherwise, sleep-ins are never that pleasant or productive.  More often than not, it leaves you feeling worse physically and mentally.  When you sleep in, you’ve thrown your brain a complete curveball.  It doesn’t know what the fuck it’s meant to be up to.  If you’re still feeling tired when you wake up, it pays to get the fuck up anyway.  If possible, smash a 30 minute to hour nap during the day if you start to crash.  If you decide to sleep in, by the time you choose to face the world, the day is half fucked anyway.

The next time someone tries to spin that shit yarn of early rising, take solace in the fact that they are an ignorant dick holster. Lucky to be blessed with the genes that allow them to wake early or the stupidity to needlessly battle the feeling of wanting to kill yourself in the morning for being up too early.  Figure out what sleep pattern best suits your body, figure out what times you are most productive, don’t sleep in, and get busy smashing it.

To finish up, let’s examine a few modern success stories and see if the early rise bullshit holds (spoiler alert, it does not):

  •       Elon Musk wakes up at 7 am, pretty standard for someone with their shit mostly together.
  •       Jeff Besos wakes up at 6:45 am.  He spends the extra 15 minutes making sure he’s still richer than Elon
  •       Oprah Winfrey wakes up at 7 am and walks the dogs.  When you are worth 2.6 billion dollars, you can own dogs and adequately look after them.
  •       Jack Dorsey wakes up at 5 am.  He says that he does a bit of meditation.  I think he spends the extra time getting up to date on all the recent Twitter bans about which he’ll claim he knows nothing.
  •       Mark Zuckerberg is probably the most relatable.  He wakes at 8 am and checks his phone in bed.  This behaviour is a very clever AI system, as it allows him to blend in much better with the human being.
  •       Donald Trump supposedly between 5:30 – 6:00 am.  I respect this a great deal.  The reason being that if my dad gave me a million dollars, and I was in the physical condition he’s in, there is not a fucking chance I’d be getting up at that time.
  •       Xi Jinping does not have time to tell anyone what time he wakes up.  He is much too busy being the leader of the Eastern free world.

·        Vladimir Putin wakes up around noon, a classic night owl.  You are allowed to do this if you are non-stop kicking ass, the entire country revolves around your schedule, and you can have people killed without consequence at a moment’s notice.

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