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Which Kiwi Classic Are You? – Issue 3

It’s a little known fact but scientists can now predict which classic Kiwi food staple you are based on your reactions in social situations. So for those new to our long white cloud we have borrowed that research, stripped it of all APA referencing and repurposed it to help you find out a little more about yourself.


  • You’re at a party. Are you:
  1. The one dominating all the conversation and holding court as king or queen of the storytellers
  2. The one waiting for the aux to be free so you can impress everyone with your indie hits
  3. The one hooking up in the corner with a stranger, because life is too short.
  4. Outside with the smokers


  1. You find someone unfriended you on Facebook do you:
  1. Start posting photos of you having a good time that included them and aggressively tagging in all their friends so they eventually realise the mistake they made
  2. Move on because who uses Facebook these days
  3. Add 10 more friends to replace that one because you are trying to get to a target
  4. Not actually notice they had done it for about two years and by then you don’t give a shit anyway


  1. You’re in a group assignment. Are you the one who:
  1. Organises everyone but makes sure that you have all the best jokes in the presentation
  2. Does the research but uses it to add obscure facts that you know stray outside the frame of the assignment but will make it seem like your group is really smart
  3. Do the bare minimum but make sure when the presentation comes you do the most talking
  4. Do almost nothing, but are a little critical when the presentation comes and make snide remarks


  1. When you plan a party, what is most important to you:
  1. That everyone there is having a good time 
  2. The music and aesthetic, obviously.
  3. The guest list.
  4. That the people there are ‘sussed’


  1. You walk into a discussion about religion, you:
  1. Want to make sure everyone is cool and that everyone has the right to an opinion without listening to any particular side
  2. Listen intently and reference more obscure theology books supporting your side of the argument
  3. Figure out which side is winning and join it adapting to it almost like evolution, but NOT evolution if that is going to offend. Besides, your new iphone has some great religious diversity emojis
  4. Walk away


  1. It’s time to go on a weekend getaway with friends, you go:
  1. To the beach, get the guitars out, make a weekend of it.
  2. Auckland, staying in a hostel, listening to some new band, hitting up a museum, and a gallery, living the dream.
  3. On a hike so you can show people you aren’t just image obsessed. Besides there are like six great places for instagram images so everyone can see how happy you are being disconnected from the world next to a waterfall. And your new iphone has some great natural light filters.
  4. You help plan a great trip but a day before you  excuse yourself because something has come up. And that something is housework and twitch streaming, but you don’t tell your mates that part.


  1. You’re at a restaurant of your choosing, what is most important:
  1. The conversation. What other reason is there for going out?
  2. The experience. You want to dine somewhere that you have never been.
  3. The food quality: Because your new iphone has some great filters to make the food look amazing.
  4. The price. You’re a student after all.


  1. It’s Monday morning and your lecturer has just said something that you don’t agree with, you:
  1. Raise your hand and politely question them on it to gain further understanding
  2. Make a note of it to discuss with your TA in your tutorial and see if you can learn more
  3. Make a note of it so that when the exam comes you can answer in a way they will agree with and give you top marks.
  4. Carry on reading the blind date.. Wait did the lecturer just say… can’t be that important suuurely


  1. Your Netflix queue consists of:
  1. A little bit of everything but heavy on comedies involving Will Farrell
  2. Documentaries like Jiro Dreams of Sushi and Black Fish
  3. Bridgerton you basic bitch
  1. German sci fi with subtitles 


  1. What is most important to you:
  1. A conflict free existence where everyone can feel valued.
  2. Individuality, creativity and genuine emotional connection
  3. Friendship, loyalty, and your #squad
  4. Memes



You, my friends, are the Hangi or Fish and Chips of New Zealand. The kiwi classic that embodies the very best of us all. Diversity, easy going and effortless. We say effortless but if you actually have to dig a fucking Hangi Pit you would laugh now. In some ways that is also a part of your character. You aren’t afraid to put the work in to ensure everyone has a good time. You are comfortable in any situation whether it is at the cricket, on the beach, or at a wedding. It’s important to you that everyone is having a good time but you aren’t a wallflower either, you want people to remember you.



You’re the classic kiwi staple of home made pizza. Either on a dough base or made on Tip Top White bread in the oven. You are canned Watties Spaghetti, and pineapple and you don’t care who knows it. You have a clear sense of your own identity and are empowered by your own authenticity, and you know what, there isn’t anything wrong with it. Can you be divisive? Absolutely, more than anyone else in fact. But you are who you are and it is unapologetically brilliant. Sure some of us hate the Spaghetti of it all and will privately joke about how weird it is. But that is because deep down we are a little jealous that you figured it out early. Shine on you beautiful diamond.

NB: While this is a metaphor for identity we want to point out that actually spaghetti on a pizza is gross but pineapple is fine. Fight me!



OBVIOUSLY THE PAVLOVA. It was never in doubt, and you knew that. You are showy and beautiful but grounded firmly in New Zealand’s fabric of being. You are the Alpha, AND the Omega with a few pineapple lumps and chocolate fish thrown in for good measure.. The north star we all follow at night and that is important to you. Who cares if we call you shallow and vapid. You love life and you do what you want. People don’t realise the work it takes to appear so carefree and relaxed and if they did they would have a greater appreciation for the beacon of hope you are in New Zealand. Don’t listen to the people trying to chop you down. Grow and keep growing, you magnificent tall poppy.



Welcome to the life of the unassuming Mince and Cheese Pie. Best enjoyed with a Double Brown and a Winnie Blue. You are comfortable being in the background. It’s not that you are shy or retiring. Odds are at a party you may have one or two of the best lines. But you don’t build your whole identity around being a fucking star. You are quite content. You don’t hate parties but you are just as comfortable at home in the same pair of trackies for the third straight day playing xbox. Sure at times people are going to look down on you as being a little strange. But we have all succumbed to the raw appeal of a microwaved breakfast pie when know one is around.