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Horrorscopes
Putting a little bit of horror in the weekly shake down.

Horoscopes – Issue 2

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AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18 

It sucks that your birthday has just gone right before everybody started back and it’s too late to shower you in affections for your special day. But you should definitely try anyway, milk it for all it is worth

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20 

Look at you, committed to something. A whole year stretches ahead. Try not to get to weighed down by the fact that there is no escape in your foreseeable future. It will be ok. It will be. Hopefully.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19 

It’s hard getting back into the swing of things after a summer spent forgetting everything you learned last year but you will still need to remember some of it. Maybe don’t drink this weekend.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20 

Home is where the heart is but campus is where your classes are and COVID related excuses for not going will wear thin in 2021.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

Is the degree you are taking really the right one? It’s not too late to change the entire trajectory of your life, it might still work out fine. Maybe you should vacillate on it a little longer.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22 

Winter is coming, which will provide ample excuses to hide in your room and avoid social interactions. For now though you should get some sun, you look like you need it.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Writing in a red pen is considered bad form. Before you try to dispute that fact, remember that the people who mark your shitty papers point out all the stuff you fucked up in red pen. This year will be no exception.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22 

Twenty twenty one is set to be a relatively uneventful year compared to the fiery shitstorm of its predecessor. Or maybe not. You’ll have to ask us again later. Ideally much much later.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22 

Your innate sense of fairness isn’t going to serve you right now. In fact it’s going to hinder you. Like it or not we all have to start working again for this semester even though it just doesn’t feel right.

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21 

The first few weeks are easy then it’s panic stations. To avoid this try to remember that the first few weeks are not easy and if you actually start the work when it’s given to you then you won’t have to panic later.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21 

Don’t overthink it. Also, don’t overthink this. But if you have to think about it, make a cup of tea first. It will make whatever you are overthinking less likely to result in dehydration, which is good for thinking. Don’t you think?

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19 

Hard work and perseverance will be everything you need this year. Just make sure you apply those things in the right places, as alcoholism is a nasty affliction. It’s only funny while you’re still a student.