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Flatting Tips – Issue 1

I have spent more than a few years acting like a child in Hamilton East.  As a result of my time being the most average flatmate to date, not sliced-bread brilliant, nor pissing in the wind awful, I am uniquely qualified to convey some do’s and don’ts about flatting.

To start, choosing flatmates. It pays to assess them in several ways, but here are a few key points of examination: are they lazy? If yes, prepare for late rent payments, general mess, and filth and perpetually lost vapes.  Do they cause conflict? If yes, prepare to be relentlessly hounded about stupid bullshit.  Are they conflict-averse? If yes, prepare for an emotional breakdown because you used their shampoo one time 8 months ago.  A good rule of thumb is, don’t live with someone if you wouldn’t theoretically employ them.  If you are no good in a job interview, perhaps this task is best left to someone else.

Clean your shit up, very straightforward.  If you make a mess (i.e.: kitchen, bathroom, etc.), clean it up as soon as is reasonably possible.  There is nothing worse than trying to prepare food on 10% of the remaining filthy kitchen bench space or wash your hands in a sink that’s covered in cosmetic shite (makeup caked hairdryers etc.).  Whilst I’m not your dad, adopting the “just do it now cunt, it takes two seconds” attitude is worth more than an entire army base of steel.

Don’t have sex with your flatmates or your neighbour’s sister, and certainly don’t cry afterward.  Feelings are inevitably caught by one or both parties (or more, who the fuck knows with you people).  One of two things will happen; It will end badly leaving an uncomfortable air about the place that no one fucking signed up for.  Alternatively, a relationship will begin, leaving an uncomfortable air about the place that no one fucking signed up for.  Even the most stable of flat-initiated relationships will never live through even a cursory trip to Ireland.  A good rule of thumb is to have intercourse only with those with some degrees of separation and generally (where possible) in an empty house so no one needs to even know about that shit.

A flat account should break even every week.  I am sick to fucking death of hearing about “communal” flat items.  “the rent is X amount, but we pay Y amount to cover bills and communal stuff” get the fuck out of here with that nonsense.  Elect someone trustworthy to oversee the finances.  They receive the utility bills, they buy the toilet paper, washing powder, etc.  They then communicate amounts owing each week/month and everyone pays their slice.  This is not hard and saves a lot of hassle.  It is generally best not to buy large appliances or items for the flat because a 20% stake in a barbeque isn’t easily liquidated.

I would generally advise against having your flat be the rark pad.  That said, some poor bastard’s got to do it.  If that poor bastard is you, ignore this entire article as you are going to be too busy being hungover in a filthy shithole with perpetually full recycling bins 6 days out from rubbish day.  Blessings upon you, you are doing the lord’s work.

Ultimately, you want to treat your flat like a business.  This means communicating effectively and often with your flatmates and try your absolute darnedest to behave like the upstanding and responsible adult you are.  Do this, and your time in the moist hovels of Hamilton will be primarily smooth sailing.

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