Hannah- You’ll encounter strange men on Knighton Road cloaked in purple robes. They proclaim to be wizards but they lie. Bring your friends to be by your side and avoid the ‘ooga-wooga’ spell.
Nathan- NEVER go up to a third year and tell them you can drink more than them, cause you ain’t shit yet. There’s no doubt that sorry bastard has spiralled into an existential void during exam season. How do you think they filled that void? Alcohol, baby, al. co. hol.
Alexander- What you want to do is wear your sunglasses indoors, lean up against a wall, and scan the crowd for a while. Eventually, someone will be curious enough to speak to you. Offer one word answers, then say “Sorry sweetheart, I gotta rip this joint” then ride away on a motorcycle.
Troy- Go to sleep with at least one litre and up to two litres of water in you. Wake up an hour before you plan on being up, smash another litre of water, piss if necessary and go back to sleep for the remaining hour. If that doesn’t work, a little morning cocaine never killed anyone.
Oliver– Eat a sandwich. Erase every trace of that ancient battler mantra ‘eating is cheating’ from your brain. The person who preaches that dribble is the very same piece of dogshit who consistently pisses their pants at the pre-drinks. O’Week is a marathon, respect it as such and pack a lunch.
Sarah- Dress up and dance your heart out at every O-Week party you’ve got the chance to attend. You might be exhausted, but when you finish university, I promise it’s the time you wore a 6-year old child’s Bee costume to the BOCS party that you’ll remember, not getting a good night sleep and being on time for your 9am lecture.
ADVICE TO MY FIRST YEAR SELF
Hannah- Unfortunately you would be in the group of first-years whom, upon arriving at University, get sent home straight away and into lockdown. Adopt listening to Classic Jazz and Yo-Yo Ma sooner- sure they may be a slightly uncommon taste but it’s the uncommon that the face of the earth lacks. It’ll also get you through lockdown faster.
Nathan- Your teaching degree is not going to make you any money. And thanks to a bat, you won’t be able to travel overseas to use it. Maybe if you think about it more carefully, and copy your mate and study engineering you might… actually nah, just double your bet on the pokies.
Alexander- Learn a language and stick with it. You can take one on offer at uni or you can branch out and join a night class. It might seem like extra work, but the benefits to your brain are B I G G E R than buying Joe Rogan Alpha supplements. That, or focus on your batting average.
Troy- Don’t tell anyone you’re a virgin. If anyone asks, the appropriate response is “a gentleman never talks”
Bronwyn- Don’t study law. I know you think you have to live up to some arbitrary concept of potential your teachers drilled into you but it doesn’t fucking matter and lawyers are boring wankers anyway. Save yourself a year of DebSoc douchebags who wear chinos to class and study something you genuinely like because you’re literally paying for it.
Oliver- Please for the love of god learn how to krump. It may not seem relevant right now but just trust me. One day you’ll find yourself separated from the herd at Back Bar and a fly guy will challenge you to a dance battle and I just reckon a decent krump package will get the job done.
Sarah- Don’t be afraid to sit by new people, talk to new people, give someone a wave, and just be friendly. Everyone else feels just as scared and confused as you do, I guarantee it. But if you’re brave enough to make the first move, you’ll end up with amazing people to surround you for the rest of your degree – and the rest of life to come.