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Horoscopes – Issue 19

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18

Rich fog dilutes weary thoughts, you must capitalise on clarity, seize the opportunity – make haste, engage in fisticuffs with your ex’s new fucktoy and test the limits of your pathetic insecurities.

PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20

Take a moment of silence for the hoodie dependent chubs, we salute your dedication to spending another humid spring developing your own musky ecosystem, soldier on brother.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19

Months of seclusion, an obliterated social life, and a chance to rectify your sins; while most fixed their grades or lost a chin, you achieved sweet fuck all – bit sad isn’t it.

TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20

You thrive amidst commotion, craving the rush of a cheeky kerfuffle, in other words, you’re a self-serving sociopath who’d enjoy the death of a loved one purely for the attention.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20

The spring breeze dances amidst the heat of secret shaggers, a fruitful evening bears inopportune harvests; invest in antibiotics at the earliest convenience.

CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22

With mid-twenties quickly approaching your youthful flare is dwindling, luckily everyone is too polite to mention how visible your scalp is through the desperate wisps.

LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22

Patience is key, you may feel like you’re wasting your life but just wait until your inevitable divorce, that overwhelming regret should really help amplify your wasted youth.

VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22

There comes a time to leave childish dreams in the past, put down the guitar. If you want her attention just get some hot chips and a dollop of emotional abuse.

LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22

Describe yourself in three words. Did brave, selfless, and guilty come to mind? They didn’t? At least posting that black square was a fun trend right?

SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21

Wearing a mask isn’t a political statement, it’s playing your part in reducing community transmission and minimising the trauma caused by your gummy grin.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21

Give mum a ring, grab some flowers, pop home and spend time with someone obliged to love you – it’d be a nice change of pace to be somewhere you’re wanted.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19

Cast a line, the pond is full and ready for plunder; skip the troves of reasonable options and dabble with someone substantially unstable, your life could use a bit of spice.

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