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Horoscopes – Issue 16

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18Choose yourself. Sure the flirtation has been fun but it’s been three years if this relationship was going anywhere it would be more than just inappropriate texts. Break up, but let him know you may still vote for him this election.PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20With only seven weeks to go, it is natural to look back. Remember O’Week? When the only transferable illness anyone was worried about getting tested for could be avoided by staying away from the Breathers? Those were simpler times.ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19Striving for an unattainable perfection may lead to madness and self-doubt but allowing yourself to be flawed and accepting mediocrity leads to a career as a DJ, so there are pros and cons to both.TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20They are cheating on you. And you know what, you’re not entirely blameless! (Still believe horoscopes are accurate?)GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20Reflecting on everything you lost this year to COVID can be sad. No parties, no fun, no human contact. On the bright side, you now know what its like to be an accounting student and you didn’t need to go to a single lecture.CANCER JUN 21 – JUL 22There are ways to develop a better personality. Reading more, being genuinely interested when people talk, allowing yourself to be open when people have a different perspective are all options. Growing a mullet is not. Be a better human.LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22Venus brings change, Mars brings destruction, Jupiter brings paranoia… Shake Out brings you fries with a small cup of cheese sauce. Stop looking to the stars when the world around you shows each day that you can be your best self.VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22Stop listening to that friend who keeps Instagramming inspirational quotes. If they truly let love be their guide, they would have an STI and a smell from the disabled toilets at the Outback that a year of showers will never clean.LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22The last month has left you feeling hollow and unsure of yourself. Crippling low self-confidence and a fear of intimacy may make for self-reflection but it also makes you an obvious choice to host a Nexus podcast next year.SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21It’s August. If you have gone the whole year without hearing about your flatmate a weird antisocial loser, you are either the luckiest flat in the world or it is you they are talking about.SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21The time has come to love again. But ignore the people that say first you need to love yourself. Obviously they didn’t have to spend six weeks quarantined. You have loved yourself enough to get RSI.CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19Cut yourself some slack. Yes, there were all those things you wanted to achieve this year like learning a new language, meditating, or reading more but isn’t like you magically had a break in the middle of the year with no classes.
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