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Playing in the Minors – Issue 18

Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party has been doing fuck all for nearly three decades. The Minister of Justice has taken pity and done their job for them.

New Conservative

Honestly, I could have written the whole piece about the New Conservatives. They want to: Have you proactively involve your ISP in your pornography use by “opting in rather than opting out”; Undo gay marriage laws because of…  reasons. What’s wrong with civil unions?; “Re-empower” the police. Being legally allowed to physically overpower, use semi-automatic weapons and throw bull shit charges about the place to see what sticks isn’t enough.

If that wasn’t crazy enough they also think you should be required to have counselling if your kid is a piece of shit. And that we should involve NZ in the affairs of foreign Jews, god knows where that one came from.

Heartland New Zealand Party has let the thesaurus do their policy writing. They are going to ‘establish’ 2 things, ‘continue’ 3 things, ‘encourage’ 4 things, ‘develop’ 5 things, ‘ensure’ 7 things and ‘support’ a whopping 14 things! Very exciting. They’re only going to ‘actively support’ one thing though.  As for negative verbs, they’ll ‘require’ 8 things (naughty) and ‘request’ 1 thing (like little bitches). They also want to ‘involve’ scientists in science-related things, good call Heartland.

ONE Party hasn’t quite figured out where they stand on the issues yet (They have expanded on only 15 of their 35 proposed policy ideas). Thought that counts right? On social issues they include things like: No unborn children to be wasted by doctors; no one is to be euthanized even if they want to/they exist in unrelenting pain. Cannabis? The ONE party says no, otherwise it’s rehab for you sonny. In a stroke of genius, they stated they are “opposed” to people living in poverty and homelessness.  What a fucking revelation. The Solution? More affordable homes, because we all know that house pricing is the barrier between a place to live in and the street. They were equally as vague on speech. Their proposed hate speech policy is that there will be no hate speech policy. But it’s when they hit the economy that they really come into their own: 

– Brilliant economy policy #1 there are only two types of government, the kinds based on “justice, truth and righteousness” (hooray) and the other kind: “socialism and communism” (boo).

– Brilliant economy policy #2, workplace bullying is bad (I swear to god I’m not making this shit up). 

And they finished it all with something even vaguer. “Encourage” farms to stop fucking the environment quite so hard, but take away all the incentives to do so. Their environmental policy seems to be just: Fuck the environment straight to hell.

The Opportunities Party (TOP) is all about “evidence-based policies”. The need to specify that is deeply concerning.  Universal Basic Income has been suggested, which they’ve certainly made sound good. The potential for abuse or people’s need for meaningful pursuit has not been addressed though. In other words good fucking luck.


New Zealand Tea Party  – hates racism, loves money. No policies as such, but you get the idea. “Find out why people are voting for us,” said the party that was started 9 months ago and therefore has not participated in an election.  

Sustainable New Zealand Party has a great video of some people that say they’ll vote for them…

The Advance New Zealand Party hasn’t put any concrete policies forward. They have, however, assured me that everything will be mean and to definitely join that hype train.

The New Zealand Democratic Party for Social Credit says that 5G is probably no good. If elected they will not be doing that.

NZ Outdoors Party is apparently too busy outdoors they can’t keep a fucking website running.

Vision New Zealand wants everyone to just fuck off and stop coming here. No Muslims allowed; gay people cause earthquakes, all that jazz. Also, Hannah Tamaki has a master’s degree in “the journey of life”. Sounds like a bullshit 

qualification to me.