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Horoscopes – Issue 13

AQUARIUS JAN 20 – FEB 18Move fast or that sneaky beezy from last semester will nab your favourite spot in the lecture hall. If they do, just sit immediately behind them and drop tiny pieces of paper in their hair. Actually don’t do that. You should be nicer to people.PISCES FEB 19 – MAR 20This is not a good time for you. Feel free to step back, call in sick, phone it in and get classmate to bring you lecture notes in bed. You should do some writing, it will help with everything.ARIES MAR 21 – APR 19Even when the streets are empty, your obnoxious opinions are still echoing down the concrete alleys of the city. Drink less to make you less effusive. Or maybe drink more. We don’t want to tell you how to live your life.TAURUS APR 20 – MAY 20This is the perfect time for a warm fire and a kind pair of slippers. That said, campus is back in session so you will probably have to leave the house at some point to function in the world. You can still wear your slippers though.GEMINI MAY 21 – JUN 20You should have taken it easy with the Disorientation Week parties. That term is supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek bit of wordplay not a literal invitation. This week you get to start all over. Don’t mess it up.CANCER JUN 21 – JUL22If you play your cards right you will find yourself with new opportunities for love. By “play your cards right” the stars mean play them at all. Go outside, get some fresh air, say hi to that cute new tutor.LEO JUL 23 – AUG 22The new semester has started. Like, last week, so you need to stop swanning around the party scene and get your ass back to your lectures. Even if those lectures are online. Nobody judges you for leaving your camera on.VIRGO AUG 23 – SEP 22Ah, that part of semester where you still understand everything being taught. You get to plan and organise and prepare for your papers. Soon enough it will all be in chaos, enjoy this moment while it lasts.LIBRA SEP 23 – OCT 22The days are getting longer, the weather is still shit. Changes are coming and you will get to revel in that beautiful natural balance of the equinox. The critters in the pond will be getting buck wild too. Don’t watch them too long, it’s weird.SCORPIO OCT 23 – NOV 21Dear Scorpio, you will be dragged kicking and screaming back into reality this week as you realise everything you signed up for is way over you head. Don’t be fooled by that feeling, you actually got this.SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 – DEC 21Don’t overthink it. There will be plenty of time for that later. Right now you should enjoy this first couple of weeks where you can kind of cruise before it’s time to panic because the first test has appeared out of nowhere.CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 19Work hard this semester and it will get you over the line. Not that you really need to be told you stubborn bastard. That’s one of your best traits, embrace it. It will serve you well in life.

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