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Diminutive Post – Issue 10

World health Organisation quarantines student area

New Zealand’s uphill battle with corona-virus is looking to end relatively soon should vigilance remain. However, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has recognised the “cesspool of STD’s, rodents and durry munchers”, that currently occupy Hamilton’s student area, as a potential threat. “What New Zealand was able to do with that COVID-19 thing worked out well” says WHO director Tedros Adhanom. However, Nexus has discovered that COVID-19 is no longer the biggest issue facing New Zealand, and that we pose “the greatest threat to human health (The WHO) have ever seen”. Apparently, the rancid conditions of the Hamilton student area makes the Wuhan wet-markets, the birthplace of corona-virus, look “cleaner than Ross Taylor’s mitts”. It is expected that the amount of uncleanliness and germ-sharing within the area is likely to create a global super-virus which only the most battle hardened breathers and breathettes will survive.

COVID-19 Getting More Frustrated As Gathering Size Rules Loosen

With the size limit on gatherings being raised to 100 today, COVID-19 grows ever more frustrated as they now have to wait for 101 people to gather in a room before they can start infecting people. “Honestly I’m just counting on those stupid fucking students to throw a party with over 100 people, then it’s go time for me and the boys. No holding back this time” exclaimed a lone COVID-19 cell that we ran into on the street. It followed up with “It’s absolute horseshit that we still have to wait for people to break gathering rules before we steam ahead, it’s been a solid 2 months with no action”. The Cell’s pent up frustration was evident so we directed him towards Brian Tamaki’s church service and told him that he won’t have to wait around long for that gronk to break the rules.