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Breather Briefing – Issue 10


The team of editors for this section came out of last weekend minus one TV, chair, and TV table. Yeah, things got weird. Your average Joes turned into absolute wounders/heroes (take your pick on this one). I’ve honestly missed having a normal pissup, but for some genius to come out of the woodwork every now and then and just break something gives me those endorphins that I thrive off. The best part about it is that the battler who broke the stuff claimed that he didn’t even remember doing it therefore it cannot be his fault. Yeah bro, we believe you, your defense is as safe as seatbelts. I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be even better with 100 person gatherings, I’m tingling just thinking about it. Remember to sesh safely, be careful with your drugs & alcohol, and have that blue powerade in the fridge the night before you’re dusty. 

Drink of the week: Jameson’s Whiskey

Remarkably enough, this absolute poison of a liquid reminds me of rather good times. Fuck knows how much it costs, Fairbrother just rocked up to kickons at mine after his gig here with a bottle of it because it was on his rider. The man had put a decent dent in it by himself, and we sipped away at it a bit. It then served as hydration fluid for the following kickons. How good. It has a taste that will leave a grimace on your face, but will make your Irish ancestors proud while looking like an absolute weapon of a sesh gremlin.

Red Card: The Lock In Race

This red card involves a locked room, a bunch of breathers ready to throw their dignity out the window, and necessary buckets. Participants must get a 12 box of their choice, something of at least 7% strength, a communal box of piss, then gather in a room of the leader’s choice. Once the clock starts, you must start drinking and race to finish your box. However, you must apply the rules of howzat! This is when you open a drink and say “not out” before someone says “howzat”, otherwise you down your entire vessel. But you cannot call “not out” in this red card, so if someone gets you with howzat, you must down your drink on the spot. BUT, you cannot call howzat unless you have an empty vessel yourself. It will be carnage, vomiting incurs a 5 minute time penalty, taking a piss earns a 7 minute time penalty, and you get to nominate someone to have an extra drink from the communal box if you shit yourself. Loser gets the vomit bucket poured on them.

Sesh Wars

Rewinding back to crate day 2017, I thought I would host since my parents were in Christchurch for the weekend. The day started off innocent enough but as the evening rolled around my memory became hazy, all I remember is my undies going over the neighbour’s fence and me running round naked telling people I was a Greek god. By 10pm I was passed out on the floor of the spare room, so this is what I woke up to. I was naked and in a foetal position on the white carpet upstairs, white carpet which was now stained with vivid because the boys had apparently played a few rounds of Pictionary on my naked corpse. I was inked up to the point that even the inside of foreskin had doodles in it, looking like Michael Scofield. I went downstairs to assess the damage. Bottles, food and furniture lay everywhere, front door wide open but fortunately the dog had decided to stay. I went over to my mum’s week old dining room set and upon a closer look saw a box of my prescribed epilepsy pills sitting on the table, next to my student ID card. Roughly 6 or 7 pills were missing, and I could see some crushed up residue on the table top. I checked the group chat and yup the boys had been railing lines of pills made to stop seizures. To top it off, red cruisers had been spilt on the white carpet downstairs and after an $800 insurance claim my parents got brand new carpet for the whole house, so you’re welcome guys.