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Horoscopes – Issue 9

Aquarius JAN 20 – FEB 18

The return to normality can be weird and difficult. If you go in with those low expectations you may be presently surprised. Like that time you got socks for Christmas only to put them on in tears and find out they’re actually really comfortable.

Pisces FEB 19 – MAR 20

Your desire to drift off into dream time is going to conflict sharply with your due dates. Focus on things in the order of the shitstorm they will cause if you don’t do them on time. That 1% quiz can wait when your house is on fire.

Aries MAR 21 – APR 19

Just because the bars open this week doesn’t mean you have to behave like an animal. There will be plenty more to drink for the rest of your life until you wind up living under a bridge filtering meths through a piece of white bread. Pace yourself.

Taurus APR 20 – MAY 20

Your stubbornness will pay off this week and people will stop calling it stubbornness. Instead it will be referred to as your winning perseverance, grit, stick-to-itiveness. This only happens when you win though, the rest of the time it’s just you being stubborn.

Gemini MAY 21 – JUN 20

A conscience can be a bastard of a thing and after picking on Gemini’s too much lately the stars decided they had to be nicer to you. So they googled “nice things about Gemini’s”. Go you clever, independent, rebellious thing you.

Cancer JUN 21 – JUL 22

Two steps forward, one step back. You’ll still get where you’re going and as an added bonus, you’ll get there half as fast. Walk on the sunny side of the street this week and ignore people who try to tell you to walk on the sunny side of life. They’re hiding something.

Leo JUL 23 – AUG 22

Your glorious moment has arrived. But you don’t need us to tell you that. You probably won’t even read this because why would you? You’re allowed outside again! Dance like nobody’s watching, drink in the admiration of random strangers like you deserve it.

Virgo AUG 23 – SEP 22

A stitch in time saves nine is folk wisdom from a time when people still mended the holes in their clothing. It means getting something sorted early will save you a lot of hassle in the long run. Apply this to your uni assignments. Or an STD check.

Libra SEP 23 – OCT 22

The time of vacillation is upon you. Don’t do anything without carefully weighing the options. After this results in not achieving anything this week, resolve instead to carry a coin and flip it to make all your important life decisions.

Scorpio OCT 23 – NOV 21

That fire you started in a trash can when you were a kid achieved exactly the same amount of good as that fire you started in your closest relationship. This is your mess to do with as you please. Fix it or pour gas on it. Either is fun for spectators.

Sagittarius NOV 22 – DEC 21

A wise man once said “Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.” That’s good advice in general but especially important for you right now. It will lend you an air of mystery which you might otherwise dispel with your present inanity.

Capricorn DEC 22 – JAN 19

Relax. You’ve set the wheels in motion, now all you can do is sit back and wait to see what happens. Sometimes doing nothing is the best possible thing you can do. As hard as it might seem, it’s not as hard as the inevitable silence after your third unanswered text message.